Friday, December 26, 2008
I went to the doctor on Monday night when I got off work cuz I felt so bad. I had a sore throat and my stomach was all weird. My strep test came back negative but they gave me antibiotics anyway cuz I have a sinus infection. I'm finally feeling better. I ate real food today. I had ham and cheesy potatoes. It tasted so good after having almost a week of toast and soup only. And it didn't make me want to throw up! Amazing! Well, that's all for today. Maybe I'll have pictures of the girls to post after their stay.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I might be getting them next week sometime when they stay with their dad for the holidays. I can't wait! I talk to them on the phone all the time but it's just not the same as playing with them in person. Especially since Taci hardly likes to talk on the phone. Niki on the other hand talks a bunch. It's really funny. She's like a little old lady sometimes. :D
All weekend I was sick to my stomach. Today I'm not feeling much better. I think maybe it's a bleeding ulcer... Ok, so that's just my hypochondriac tendencies seeping through my normal facade. It's probably nothing. But what if it's something? This is why I'm not allowed to look at those medical diagnostic books. I always think I have what I read about. It's crazy! This is just a normal part of my insanity that I've learned to life with. One day, when hell freezes over or I die, I'll get over all my psychological problems!
Friday, December 19, 2008
I know everyone wants a white Christmas. But it's almost a week before Christmas so it needs to stop until next Wednesday. The picture of my car is just the beginning of the storm. And everyone is telling me the roads are treacherous! I am so dreading leaving working at 7 tonight. I'm crossing my fingers that they'll have it somewhat cleared. Yeah, right though! That'll be the day! :D
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
1. Were you named after anyone? Not that I know of.
2. When was the last time you cried? I almost cried on Dec 12th when I talked to Grandma and she was really depressed cuz it was her and grandpa's anniversary.
3. Do you like your handwriting? Most of the time. A lot of people compliment me on it so I guess it's good.
4. Do you have kids? Umm... No. Unless you count my two nieces who I love like they're my kids.
5. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Heck yeah, I'm funny. And I wouldn't want me to make fun of me so yeah. DUH!
6. Do you use sarcasm? No... Duh. Most of the time.
7. Do you still have your tonsils? Nope. The dr stole them like the pigs stole my car.
8. Would you bungee jump? Probably not. I'm afraid of heights. It would not be a pretty sight.
9. What is your favorite cereal? Froot Loops or Cinnamon Toast Crunch
10. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. I never tie them in the first place. The laces are stuck inside the shoe cuz I'm a lazy person!
11. Do you think you are strong? Physically? no. Emotionally? You betcha!
12. What is your favorite ice cream? Ute Blitz
13. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their clothes or what they're driving. Yes, I'm that shallow. I admit it!
14. Red or Pink? Definitely red. It's the color of blood and I have this weird obsession with it.
15. What is your least favorite thing about you? My muffin top. It's gross!
16. Who do you miss the most? Alive or dead? Alive would be Grandma and the girls and dead would be Grandpa.
17. What color of pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Dark blue jeans and white Etnies with teal and black in the E.
18. What was the last thing you ate? A fun size Milky Way
19. What are you listening to right now? A country station on the radio cuz I got sick of hearing Britney Spears and David Archuletta and I can't get my rock stations to come in at work. Grr!
20. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Dark teal. It's just a really nice color.
21. Favorite smells? The smell of cheeseburgers cooking.
22. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My sister-in-law Becky.
23. Favorite sports to watch? probably basketball
24. Hair color? My roots are a brownish color but the rest is red.
25. Eye color? Blue/gray/green
26. Do you wear contacts? Yes. Without them I'd be blind as a bat.
27. Favorite food? At the moment, cheeseburgers.
28. Scary movies or happy endings? Depends on my mood.
29. Last movie you watched? It's called Black Book. It was oddly fascinating. I thought I'd hate it cuz of the subtitles but I couldn't look away.
30. What color of shirt are you wearing right now? Navy blue
31. Favorite season? spring cuz there's no snow and it's still not too hot and all the pretty flowers are bloomin and new animals are bein born.
32. Hugs or kisses? Depends on the other person! :D
33. Favorite dessert? Umm... So many options, so hard to choose. Anything with chocolate!
34. What book are you reading now? Cutting Loose by Susan Andersen. Very good so far!
35. What's on your mousepad? An M&M and a calender
36. What did you watch on tv last night? Reruns of House
37. Favorite sound? Music? I dunno...
38. What is the furthest you've been away from home? When I went to visit my little brother in Fort Meyers, Florida.
39. Do you have a special talent? I'm insane. Does that count?!
40. Where were you born? Cincinnati Ohio
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
All the talk against the church wouldn't bug me so much if the gay alliance groups hadn't started smearing the missionaries. One of my best friends just got home from his mission. His mother died while he was gone. He came home for 10 days to say goodbye to her. He gave up the last month of her life to go back out and finish. To make a video showing two missionaries going into the home of a lesbian couple and tearing up their marriage certificate and trashing their house (which represented them taking away gay rights) took away from what these young men and women are doing. They sacrifice a good chunk of their lives to go teach something they strongly believe in. To say they only go out there to take away people's rights angered me in a way nothing ever has.
I'm one of the first to criticize some of the church's teachings. I've lived on both sides. I went from being a young women's leader to inactive. I went from wholeheartedly believing the stuff I taught the girls to questioning everything. I've had some very hard knocks in my life. One day I had this chubby, independent niece and the next I had a disabled one. And still, I went to church. Niki would go to Primary and Taci would come with me to young women's. Most of the time I would sit there and hold my practically newborn 1 year old niece. When she would become so frustrated because she couldn't get her body to move like it used to, she would scream. When I couldn't stand to hold her any longer because the pain became unbearable, Chris would take her. She would hold her, rock her, and whisper into her ear until she calmed down.
4 months after Taci's ordeal, I moved 45 minutes away from Chris. 5 months after that, my best friend calls and tells me that his mom's breast cancer is back after 10 years of remission. My best friend's mom was Chris. The one person who made me realize that it wasn't about my pain but about helping Taci deal with everything.
At this point, I was taking care of my two nieces but not of myself. I ended up in the hospital. I realized I was no good to anyone if I didn't learn how to take care of myself. Less than a week after that, Grandma and Grandpa moved me to New Mexico. I finally dealt with my childhood. I learned how to be healthy, emotionally.
One day almost exactly a year after hearing of Chris' cancer, I got another call. She's dying. I booked a flight as soon as I could. I had to say goodbye to probably the best person I had ever known. My best friend was there. I could tell that it was tearing him apart. I could see how much he hurt. And I ached for him. His mother, the most important person in his life was dying. And he only had a couple days to say goodbye. But I could also see the determination in his eyes. I could tell he would go back out there and keep sharing the gospel. He truly believed everything he was out there teaching. So after spending 10 days with his family, he went back. He missed his mom's final moments. He missed the funeral. He wasn't there to help comfort his dad and his sisters. He went through the grieving process out in the mission field. He sacrificed so much so he could teach people the beliefs that got him through the death of his mother.
When my Grandpa, the only father I had ever really had, died almost exactly a year from the day my best friend's mom died, he got me through. While still on his mission. He came home to a different life than he had left. Does this sound like a person trying to take away your rights? Someone who would go into your home and wreck everything?
They took it too far with this issue. Maybe the Mormon church shouldn't have taken a stand to support Proposition 8. That was church leaders who made that decision. I'm sick of people making assumptions. Of acting ignorant. There are churches who speak out on this issue every day. If you're gonna go after one, go after all of them. Stop blaming the Mormon church for something the voters in California did. The Mormon church isn't horrible. Maybe naive and idealistic. But they're not the only ones.. Give it a rest and move on. Take steps to get it over ruled or whatever you call it. Stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. Don't moan and groan. Take action. That's what democracy is about!!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
September 24, 2008 - Wednesday
a daily miracle Current mood: grateful, sad, happy, concerned, relieved, heavy
my days are long and hard, emotionally and physically. it is a struggle to get up in the morning, a task to continue going all day, and a pain to rest at night. the endless chore that has become my daily life started 3 and a half years ago, when i found taci unconscious, lifeless, and colorless. 5 days later, when she awoke from what seemed like an endless sleep, i was not told anything positive. the highest hope i had at that moment, was that she was awake. they said that she had damaged the part of the brain that transported motor skills to the body. she could throw her limbs, chew, swallow, laugh and, most of all, scream. at that moment, i prepared myself to push her around for the rest of my life in a wheelchair with pink streamers. the only thing that gave me hope was her laugh. her cackle could be heard down the halls of primary childrens medical center.
3 weeks after the initial accident i left my husband for my grandma. i could not take care of my 2 children along with myself and a soulless man. he lost himself quickly, as did i, and together we could not function. my gramma and sister were the only people that would help me to handle my burden, and i am eternally grateful to them for the strength that they had when i was so weak.
that little girl could scream. that is all she could do to cope with her ordeal. she would scream and i would cry. i would cry and she would scream. the only comfort she had was being held, and as i would hold my beautiful, uncontrolled child, all i could do to cope was cry. i would medicate her so that she would sleep. during her 4 hour long medicated rest, i would try to rest. it was impossible to sleep, because in my own numbness, my thoughts would wander to the memories of a cheerful, robust being. my tears would stream endlessly.
we immediately started the most basic forms of physical and occupational therapy. we would strap her into torture devices to force her into a standing or sitting position. we would put toys just out of reach to entice her to reach for them. 2 months into this, she began to roll. she would throw her arm over her body, turning her into an invalid human pretzel. she would then throw the other arm out from under her body, successfully turning herself over. this jagged movement turned into rolling. when bragging to the neurologist that this was not a permanent lack of motor skills, he simply told me that her mri said she cant do that. i was not going to tell her that.
she slowly figured out how to throw her arms in a more deliberate manner, and then drag her goal to her. 6 months of pain, and she was off all medication. one week later, she began to situp on her own. shortly after that, i caught her army crawling down the hallway. then real crawling. picking up her own food. pulling herself to a stand. on a magnificent christmas night she stood on her own. walking while holding onto furniture. climbing onto furniture. she fell. alot. for some miraculous reason, she was not deterred. in fact, i believe her failures motivated greatness. when she started walking with a walker, we started talking about getting her her own and pimping it out. pink streamers, personalized plate, the works. her goals were yet again, bigger than mine. over 2 years after her initial injury, she began to walk without it. now she can run and jump and talk and play. she assists in dressing and undressing. she feeds herself without a terrible mess. she knows her alphabet and speaks in sentences. many of the words she speaks are still inaudible to the people that dont listen carefully, but she does speak in sentences. she even talks back. she follows simple directions and learns something new every day.
she is the only person that comes to mind when i think that life is difficult, and yet i dont think that she believes it is. she will still throw fits when she cannot communicate her feelings and wants and needs, but i know many adults who do not have (medical) brain damage who do the same.
as i got home today and lay on my couch, trying to unwind from my day, i listen to her and niki interacting while playing online. "this is fuzzy, can u say fuzzy?" "suzzy." "this is pandi, can u say pandi?" "tandi." this simple act drives me to tears, to realize that in my wallowing of self-pity, i really never realized that i have an incredible helping hand in teaching taci. my favorite picture of my babies is when taci was learning to walk on her own last august, and niki is holding her hand. while taci pushes niki pulls.
in these 3 and a half years, she has been accomplishing greater things than most people could imagine. all the while, i was hurt and fearful. i dreaded each and every day. i have been in darker places than i would ever want to recall. i still fall in to these dark places for short periods of time. i still have tendencies of morbid thoughts. all of this is a realization that the battle is neverending for us. for her. i will watch her struggle for years to come, and i still wonder if her mortal end would have been a better outcome. she is still in the begining of her journey, yet in her 4 and a half years, she has experienced more pain, suffering, and obstacles than any human i have met. she will be striving her whole life to succeed, which she will. i have and will watch her struggle, hurt, cry, and worse. i have forced her to endure pain. i have been the one sitting with her through tantrums. i have been the villain, with only the best of intentions. i make her cry. i have cried many times over with her because the sound of her pain pains me. i have forced her to learn independence. i have had to learn to dicipline her. i have been hit and kicked, and have to understand why.
at some point, she will be torn down by others. ignorant beings will not understand her obstacles. her future is uncertain. i dont know, nor does anyone for that matter, if she will be able to accomplish everything that she wants to. her progress is not sure. she may never fit in. she will most likely be made fun of, and i hope i am prepared enough to comfort her during all of her trials.
This is for those of you who want some hope. When no one gave us hope, Taci did. She defied the doctors and did exactly what she wanted. This shows that doctors don't know everything. It also shows what a single mom of a disabled child goes through. I will never truly comprehend the magnitude of emotions my sister goes through but this at least helps a little.
Friday, November 7, 2008
As for Obama, I hope he gets into the whitehouse and does what he promises. I'm sure he has the country's well being upper most in his thoughts. And I do think it's pretty awesome that I took part in a vote that made history. Just because I voted for the other guy doesn't mean anything. That's my right as an American. Our soldiers fight in wars so we can have our freedom and our rights. I don't agree with Obama's politics but he's our new president and as such, he deserves my respect. I'm sorry if my other blog offended anyone but I needed to freak just a little. I hope everyone can eventually come together and respect the president and give him a chance. Now is the time that we need to unite. This is history in the making and it could turn out to be the best thing for our country. You never know. Where would our world be without hope? Maybe China? j/k. But really. Without hope, we'd still be part of England. :D
And maybe one day soon, we can get our troops home. My other post made it sound like I want them to stay there forever. I don't. But it needs to be finished or we will find ourself in the same place we were in on 9/11. The terrorists need to know that we mean business and we need to show them that by defeating them. If I could be over there fighting, I would be. I believe in the cause. Yes, there were some mistakes made. When has there ever been a perfect war? When has there been a war where nobody sacrificed their life? NEVER. So let's make their sacrifice worth it and WIN THE WAR! We can't just give up. America may be a lot of things, but we're no quitter!
I am on my way to see them today. I'm very excited. That's the only thing I miss about southern Utah. I got to see them whenever I wanted. Now it's every couple of months if that. But they still know who I am. That's been my biggest worry. That they'll forget auntie and I'll just be a stranger who pops into their life every once in a while. But my sister put my thoughts at ease as she used me to bribe the kids into doing something she wanted them to. I guess she asked them to do something and they weren't cooperating and she goes "Fine. I guess I'll call auntie and tell her not to come!" As soon as they found out I was coming they got very excited and did what she wanted. Now however late I get there, I get to wake them up and play with them. YAY fun!! The point of this blog was to tell everyone that my nieces, Niki and Taci, saved my life. There were days when I just wanted to lay down and die, when my emotional burdens were so crippling it was almost easier to give up. But I would see their faces and know that I couldn't leave them. I could never leave them here on earth by doing the easy thing. I couldn't leave them with that emotional burden. One of these days I will post a picture of them on here. They're the best.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
On to a different subject. I almost started blubbering today. A customer had had a heart attack like 2 weeks ago and asked if I knew what a stint was. Grandpa had one a year ago last January. So I was talking about it and almost burst into tears. I must be hormonal or something. I DON'T cry. It's just not me. But I am a little emotional about grandpa cuz his Birthday would've been this coming saturday. And that makes me sad. Hopefully something will be on tv tonight to distract me from my misery!
update: if you're wondering if my sister sent me a picture on halloween, she did. she's a total dits but she usually remembers that stuff!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
On a much happier note, I took my friends advice and went and bought a new car. It's so pretty. All shiny and red and it purrs! And I actually sold the Camry. For nothing. They paid the registration and got it out of impound and I signed the title over to them.
Today is elections so I'm sure I'll have a lot to say on the subject tomorrow. Let's just say I want McCain to win cuz I like my guns and I like not having the government decide my healthcare. Seriously!
Friday, October 31, 2008
she says: Of their faces?
me: of their costumes. DUH!
her: k u freak maybe later like when they have them on.
Seriously? Did she think I wanted a picture of the costumes? Come on. I know she did some drugs, but she didn't kill that many brain cells. We'll see if she actually does send some.
Last night on Grey's they got a new doctor. He's the head of the trauma unit. I think I'll call him McArmy. cuz he was an army doctor. He was heading a class on trauma for the residents and interns. They walk into the room and he asks how they feel about practicing on live tissue. They all say that's ok. Then he moves the curtain aside and reveals 4 live pigs. He then stabs each pig and tells his students that they have to save them. It was crazy and intense. He's gonna be a really good character on the show. Plus it'll give Yang something to worry about. I like her better when she shows some human emotion. And I know you're asking why did I mention the pigs? Well, I thought it was funny. Like I was rolling on the floor funny. Maybe it's my lack of sleep the last little while but it just cracked me up!
Yes, I know that this blog was basically pointless. When I have something important to write about, it'll be in here. But since my friend Rhianon asked for a blog, I'm giving her one. So there ya go, folks.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I'm just now having my Dr. Pepper for the day. For everyone who knows me, they know the significance of not having my DP til after 4pm. I'm usually not coherent for at least an hour after I've put some caffeine into my system. So I'm finally understanding stuff. But I still keep forgetting what I'm talking about and what the point of this blog is... So I'm done for the day.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
That's all for tonight.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I'm so sad that Grey's wont be on tonight. But I'm gonna watch the VP debate. Let's see what stupid stuff the democrats say tonight. I mean, c'mon Obama, "I have a bracelet too!" Let's act like 3rd graders! Plus, I absolutely love Palin. I wish she was the one running for president. Our country is going to Hell in a hand basket. And I blame the media. I wish they would just shut their big mouths for a while. It's annoying. I don't need their dumb opinions taking up my precious tv watching time. Now I just sound like a raving lunatic. I guess I'll stop for today ;)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I read a lot. It's what I do. I don't date, I don't have a lot of friends. I read. I've come to the conclusion that you can't just have one favorite author. You have to have one for each genre. And here mine are: Romance is definitely Jill Shalvis. She's hilarious. I've never read an author who makes me laugh more. Then we have suspense. That would have to be Tami Hoag. She creates the best serial killers. She created my obsession with criminal profiling. And then we have Romantic Suspense. It was a hard choice but in the end I picked Karen Rose. She has the best romance mixed with some really awesome serial killers.
Do you see a pattern in there. I mention serial killers a lot. Yes, I'm fascinated. And no, I'm not going to become one. Although some days I do consider it...