Sunday, August 12, 2012

Catching up

It's been a while since I've posted. So much has happened. I haven't spoken with the guy who shall remain nameless. I deleted him from Facebook. And he has obviously moved on since I found out he got married. Which is good because it made me realize that I deserve to be someone's first choice. I deserve a man who wants me, issues and all. And with me, there are always multiple issues. Not just emotional, but physical too. I feel sick most of the time, my stomach hurts and there are times where I'd just like to lay down and die. But I'm stronger than that. I've survived all types of abuse as a child so I will not let health issues get the best of me. I've even taken steps to figure out why I'm still getting sick when having my gallbladder removed was supposed to make me better. I've got tests scheduled for September 5th to make sure I don't have Crohns or Celiac disease. And they're even going to check to make sure I don't have any precancerous spots in my esophagus. All of this is scary to me. I've had an upper scope done before but this time I have to have that plus a colonoscopy. Can you imagine, a colonoscopy at 26?! It's funny because as I've been dealing with the stomach issues I've realized that my emotional problems from my dysfunctional childhood are basically gone. I'll always have some issues of course. With my trust having been broken so badly at such an early age, I will always have problems trusting people. I've gotten better at it though. I have more friends and people in my life that I've let myself trust and rely on. And my life is better because of it. It gives me hope that I will be able to trust a man completely someday. Not yet, I'm not quite ready for the responsibility of that but I know that when I'm ready for it, I'll be able to make it happen.