kill me romantically, fill my soul with vomit, then ask me for a piece of gum

It's almost Valentine's day. Ugh. I hate the months of November through February. It's one holiday after another. Valentine's just reminds me of all my failed relationships and how emotionally retarded I am. So this year, I'm taking action. I'm doing something that will cheer me up immensely. I've invited my good friend Casey to go to a monster truck rally with me. The monster trucks will be like a metaphor representing my love life. Everything crashing into each other. Plus I love crashes and stuff like that. My favorite Xbox game is Burnout Revenge cuz I get to wreck all the other cars. That's the point of the game. How could anything beat that? I just need to remember not to be in Burnout mode while driving my real life car. That would not be pretty.

The other day I wrote on my Twitter that people around me were seeming more insane and I felt saner. I was wondering if they were getting worse or if I'm getting better. I still haven't decided. It really depends on the day.

Friday night I met my sister halfway and picked up the girls for her soon-to-be ex, Tom. I kept them that night. Taci fell asleep right away in the car. Niki lasted a little longer but she fell asleep too. When we finally reached my apartment Taci just wanted to go to bed. But Niki stayed up with me. We played Phase 10. I almost got my ass kicked by a 6 year old! :D She's so smart. She didn't even have to ask what the phases meant. And she'd only played the game once before. We both got to the last phase but I went out before her and she didn't finish it so I won. I'm glad cuz it'd be pretty embarrassing telling people that my 6 year old niece beat me at a game I've been playing for years! She stayed up til one with me. The next morning I wake up and she's in the kitchen reading Because of Winn Dixie. On her own. Without anyone telling her to. My mini me? Hell yes! While we were waiting for Tom to come she told me what had happened in the book so far. She's brilliant. Tom was late picking them up and his girlfriend called me and told me they were lost. They were way off where they should have been. And she tried to blame it on my directions. Seriously!! I've led quite a few people to my apartment and not one of them has called lost. But I guess I did tell Tom. He's not the brightest crayon in the box if you know what I mean. I'd say he's probably the black one. Seriously. The directions I gave were like this, "Get off I-15 on this street, turn left on this street, turn right on this street. At the first light turn left. Go like 3 blocks. You'll see a 7-11, a house, and then my apartment complex." I left off the street names cuz I don't want any creepy stalkers visiting in the night. Although, that might be super. I'd feel very special. Like special Ed. Anyway, Tom was supposed to give me gas money cuz it was HIS weekend with the girls and he didn't even do that. I was steaming mad all day. I'd asked if I could have them on Sunday for like 4 hours and he refused saying he'd only get like 24 hours with them. I was like, you'd get them Friday night, all day saturday, saturday night and sunday morning. He said that the nights don't count but I only got to have them for car time and a night. What a jackass. I'm glad my sister is divorcing him. Well, that's all for now. If I keep venting about things I'll make my ulcer angry. And an angry ulcer is not a pretty sight! :D

a family's struggle and triumph

One night my sister read a blog to me that she had written about my niece Taci. I thought it was incredible and wanted to share it with others. Here it is.

September 24, 2008 - Wednesday
a daily miracle Current mood: grateful, sad, happy, concerned, relieved, heavy

my days are long and hard, emotionally and physically. it is a struggle to get up in the morning, a task to continue going all day, and a pain to rest at night. the endless chore that has become my daily life started 3 and a half years ago, when i found taci unconscious, lifeless, and colorless. 5 days later, when she awoke from what seemed like an endless sleep, i was not told anything positive. the highest hope i had at that moment, was that she was awake. they said that she had damaged the part of the brain that transported motor skills to the body. she could throw her limbs, chew, swallow, laugh and, most of all, scream. at that moment, i prepared myself to push her around for the rest of my life in a wheelchair with pink streamers. the only thing that gave me hope was her laugh. her cackle could be heard down the halls of primary childrens medical center.

3 weeks after the initial accident i left my husband for my grandma. i could not take care of my 2 children along with myself and a soulless man. he lost himself quickly, as did i, and together we could not function. my gramma and sister were the only people that would help me to handle my burden, and i am eternally grateful to them for the strength that they had when i was so weak.

that little girl could scream. that is all she could do to cope with her ordeal. she would scream and i would cry. i would cry and she would scream. the only comfort she had was being held, and as i would hold my beautiful, uncontrolled child, all i could do to cope was cry. i would medicate her so that she would sleep. during her 4 hour long medicated rest, i would try to rest. it was impossible to sleep, because in my own numbness, my thoughts would wander to the memories of a cheerful, robust being. my tears would stream endlessly.

we immediately started the most basic forms of physical and occupational therapy. we would strap her into torture devices to force her into a standing or sitting position. we would put toys just out of reach to entice her to reach for them. 2 months into this, she began to roll. she would throw her arm over her body, turning her into an invalid human pretzel. she would then throw the other arm out from under her body, successfully turning herself over. this jagged movement turned into rolling. when bragging to the neurologist that this was not a permanent lack of motor skills, he simply told me that her mri said she cant do that. i was not going to tell her that.

she slowly figured out how to throw her arms in a more deliberate manner, and then drag her goal to her. 6 months of pain, and she was off all medication. one week later, she began to situp on her own. shortly after that, i caught her army crawling down the hallway. then real crawling. picking up her own food. pulling herself to a stand. on a magnificent christmas night she stood on her own. walking while holding onto furniture. climbing onto furniture. she fell. alot. for some miraculous reason, she was not deterred. in fact, i believe her failures motivated greatness. when she started walking with a walker, we started talking about getting her her own and pimping it out. pink streamers, personalized plate, the works. her goals were yet again, bigger than mine. over 2 years after her initial injury, she began to walk without it. now she can run and jump and talk and play. she assists in dressing and undressing. she feeds herself without a terrible mess. she knows her alphabet and speaks in sentences. many of the words she speaks are still inaudible to the people that dont listen carefully, but she does speak in sentences. she even talks back. she follows simple directions and learns something new every day.

she is the only person that comes to mind when i think that life is difficult, and yet i dont think that she believes it is. she will still throw fits when she cannot communicate her feelings and wants and needs, but i know many adults who do not have (medical) brain damage who do the same.

as i got home today and lay on my couch, trying to unwind from my day, i listen to her and niki interacting while playing online. "this is fuzzy, can u say fuzzy?" "suzzy." "this is pandi, can u say pandi?" "tandi." this simple act drives me to tears, to realize that in my wallowing of self-pity, i really never realized that i have an incredible helping hand in teaching taci. my favorite picture of my babies is when taci was learning to walk on her own last august, and niki is holding her hand. while taci pushes niki pulls.

in these 3 and a half years, she has been accomplishing greater things than most people could imagine. all the while, i was hurt and fearful. i dreaded each and every day. i have been in darker places than i would ever want to recall. i still fall in to these dark places for short periods of time. i still have tendencies of morbid thoughts. all of this is a realization that the battle is neverending for us. for her. i will watch her struggle for years to come, and i still wonder if her mortal end would have been a better outcome. she is still in the begining of her journey, yet in her 4 and a half years, she has experienced more pain, suffering, and obstacles than any human i have met. she will be striving her whole life to succeed, which she will. i have and will watch her struggle, hurt, cry, and worse. i have forced her to endure pain. i have been the one sitting with her through tantrums. i have been the villain, with only the best of intentions. i make her cry. i have cried many times over with her because the sound of her pain pains me. i have forced her to learn independence. i have had to learn to dicipline her. i have been hit and kicked, and have to understand why.

at some point, she will be torn down by others. ignorant beings will not understand her obstacles. her future is uncertain. i dont know, nor does anyone for that matter, if she will be able to accomplish everything that she wants to. her progress is not sure. she may never fit in. she will most likely be made fun of, and i hope i am prepared enough to comfort her during all of her trials.

This is for those of you who want some hope. When no one gave us hope, Taci did. She defied the doctors and did exactly what she wanted. This shows that doctors don't know everything. It also shows what a single mom of a disabled child goes through. I will never truly comprehend the magnitude of emotions my sister goes through but this at least helps a little.

The girls...

Six years ago last April, my first niece was born. Nakelle Marie. She was my mini-me. She let me hold her and cuddle her. When she started crawling, she started following me around. Two days before she turned two, her little sister was born. Taisyn Dawn. Through my hard emotional days, when I wanted to give up, I'd look at them, at even a picture of them, and everything would be ok. They would be there for me no matter what. They would love me no matter what I did or what was done to me. I found the best thing I could be was an auntie. At one, Taci had a seizure and lost all her motor functions. Up until this point, she was VERY independent. She wouldn't let anyone hold her. She loved doing things on her own. After the accident, she became a Mama's girl and an Auntie's girl. We would hold her for hours and rock in the rocking chair trying to comfort her because she was frustrated that she couldn't move like she used to. And Niki? She's the best sister in the world. If Taci needed anything, she would be right there giving it to her. She watched her baby sister die when she was 3 years old but it didn't damage her. It made her an incredible sister.

I am on my way to see them today. I'm very excited. That's the only thing I miss about southern Utah. I got to see them whenever I wanted. Now it's every couple of months if that. But they still know who I am. That's been my biggest worry. That they'll forget auntie and I'll just be a stranger who pops into their life every once in a while. But my sister put my thoughts at ease as she used me to bribe the kids into doing something she wanted them to. I guess she asked them to do something and they weren't cooperating and she goes "Fine. I guess I'll call auntie and tell her not to come!" As soon as they found out I was coming they got very excited and did what she wanted. Now however late I get there, I get to wake them up and play with them. YAY fun!! The point of this blog was to tell everyone that my nieces, Niki and Taci, saved my life. There were days when I just wanted to lay down and die, when my emotional burdens were so crippling it was almost easier to give up. But I would see their faces and know that I couldn't leave them. I could never leave them here on earth by doing the easy thing. I couldn't leave them with that emotional burden. One of these days I will post a picture of them on here. They're the best.

Sisters...

It's halloween. I texted my sister to ask her to send me pictures of the girls.

she says: Of their faces?

me: of their costumes. DUH!

her: k u freak maybe later like when they have them on.

Seriously? Did she think I wanted a picture of the costumes? Come on. I know she did some drugs, but she didn't kill that many brain cells. We'll see if she actually does send some.

Last night on Grey's they got a new doctor. He's the head of the trauma unit. I think I'll call him McArmy. cuz he was an army doctor. He was heading a class on trauma for the residents and interns. They walk into the room and he asks how they feel about practicing on live tissue. They all say that's ok. Then he moves the curtain aside and reveals 4 live pigs. He then stabs each pig and tells his students that they have to save them. It was crazy and intense. He's gonna be a really good character on the show. Plus it'll give Yang something to worry about. I like her better when she shows some human emotion. And I know you're asking why did I mention the pigs? Well, I thought it was funny. Like I was rolling on the floor funny. Maybe it's my lack of sleep the last little while but it just cracked me up!

Yes, I know that this blog was basically pointless. When I have something important to write about, it'll be in here. But since my friend Rhianon asked for a blog, I'm giving her one. So there ya go, folks.