If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose...

If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
if you don't get drunk on my kiss
if you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
let's not drag this on
consider me gone

I'm in love with someone who will never love me back. He's like a best friend and that makes it worse. If you've know me very long, then you know who I'm talking about. I love being around him. We have so much to talk about. But he says stuff that hurts me. And it makes me want to punch him in the face which is probably not the best thing for me to do. I want to tell him how I feel but I'm afraid I'll lose my friend. I think he already knows. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't care. He talks about the girls he's dated. About one in particular that he really liked. And I want to shake him and say, "Don't you know how much that hurts me? How you're the only person I can ever see myself with and you're talking about dating and marrying other girls?" One second he's saying, "we have so much fun together" and the next he's talking about someone else. I'm in love with him and have been for probably 6 or 7 years. Does he even freakin care?! Every time I try to space myself from him, he calls wanting to hang out and I can't say no. There's so much he could ask me to do and I would. I realize it's not healthy but it doesn't change the fact that I can't deny him anything. I keep hoping he'll have an epiphany and realize that I am the love of his life. And no matter how hard I try to forget him, there will always be that hope. I'm not sure I'll ever meet anyone who can make me forget him. And that scares the shit outta me because I do want to get married and have kids. But he's the only one I can see that happening with. My sister told me I need to cut all contact. No texts or calls. That it's such an unhealthy relationship that I need to go back to counseling. I know that. But it doesn't help me stop it. I can't turn it off. I've tried dating other people. I'm so hopelessly hopeful I could bang my head on a wall for an hour and there would still be the tiniest bit of hope in me. He could be the biggest jerk in the whole world and I would still hope deep down that he would come around one day.

My pity party...

I spent most of today throwing myself a pity party. I felt like my life was shit. Like all I did was work to pay my bills and I wasn't even fully accomplishing that. What started my pity party was a call. I was supposed to have an appointment with Valley Mental Health. I've been depressed lately. I know my warning signs. So I sought help. Fat lot of good that did me. They called and told me this morning that they can't see me because I have the possibility of getting insurance through work. Who cares that my depression stems mainly from my problems with money and that I can't afford the effing $263 a month to pay for the insurance. Or that I've applied for all manner of help from the government and they have failed me yet again. I seriously make like a grand too much a year. How pathetic is that? So I stayed in my pajamas all day cuz I took the freakin day off for this important appointment and they screwed me over so I read and played on the computer all day. I just now remembered to get on here and change my current books and all that stuff and then I remembered that Christy told me to go read her blog. So I did. And I feel so dumb for throwing my pity party. I realized that as shitty of a day I might have and as much as the government fails to help the middle class and probably always will, I will always have my friends and my memories. I have the 3 best friends in the world. First there's Kitty aka Danielle. She and I met when I was 17 and she was 15. I think my first words to her were a threat of death by running her over with my car. From that point on, we were inseparable. When my Grandma called and told me that Grandpa was in a coma and probably wouldn't wake up, she dropped everything and drove 45 miles to see me and distracted me by doing my hair. She let me cry on her shoulder through all the tough times I had in high school. She sat with me in the bathroom when my stomach was giving me problems and waited patiently for it to feel better while reading my journal entries in a weird voice to distract me. She stuck with me through all my cutting and all the anxiety attacks that made me have to get up in the middle of a movie because I felt like I was dying. She got me through the beginning and end of the one relationship I've ever had with a guy. I couldn't have asked for a better friend when I met her. Then I met Nibbly aka Jenette. We bonded over shared freaky art projects and a creepy super scary hyperactive seminary teacher. We got drunk off cough drops together and yelled across the room while Sister Judd tried to teach us about the Book of Mormon. Obviously she failed us both. But the times I shared with Jenette yelling over Sister Judd's high pitched voice will be with me forever and I know that I can call her anytime if I need to talk. And then there was Krispy aka Christy. We met at Lin's. We hated each other the first time we met because of Ladd Roundy. Wow, what a waste of a good looking male. But I can't fault him because he made it possible for Christy and I to become best friends. We were the same age and we bonded instantly after we stopped hating each other. She dragged me out of bed to go to class at Dixie State College and I talked her into doing a bunch of crazy stuff like piercing her ear. She was the only visitor I had when I had to check myself into the psych ward. She picked me up afterward. When I had my first pap smear when I was having so many problems with cysts and couldn't stop crying because the Dr was such a prick and I felt like I had been raped, she made sure I got home and stayed the rest of the night with me. She visited me in New Mexico and commiserated with me when the one dating prospect in the entire state turned out to be a selfish prick. So reading her blog and reminiscing on our past experiences I realized how blessed I truly am. I have three great best friends, two awesome nieces, a sister who's lifestyle I don't always agree with but I know I can call her anytime of the day if I need to talk about our childhood, a brother who is bossy and tries to act like a dad but would give me the shirt off his back if I needed it, a little brother who I am just starting to get to know, and a Grandma who sacrificed so much to raise me. With all these amazing people in my life, how in the world can I throw myself a pity party without looking like an idiot. So thank you Christy for reminding me that my life is not shit. It might have it's moments but there is enough good, probably more good than bad, to make life worth living.

Cancer sucks...

I found out today that a coworker passed away on Tuesday after battling cancer for a long time. She gave a good fight and she lost. I feel horrible. I only worked with her a couple times but she was so memorable. Her attitude was awesome. I know she will be missed by those around her.

This makes me remember Chris. Chris also died from cancer. She fought hard but cancer is a really hard thing to beat. And thinking about Chris dying makes me remember how we became friends. It's hard remembering how emotionally unstable I was at that time. We were away at a church activity. I had been self-medicating. And I broke. There was nothing I could do to make it better. The guy I was dating at the time couldn't handle it. He didn't want to hear me say that I wished I was dead. So we broke up in the middle of my emotional breakdown. All I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me that I would get through it. Chris was that person. She found me in the bathroom sobbing out my self-loathing. She held me while I cried it out. She helped me find the guts to admit I had a problem. So I told her I had been taking pills. And I gave her that bottle to flush down the toilet. After that I was numb. I still didn't deal with everything. But every time I needed someone to talk to, Chris was there. She saved me from myself on so many occasions I lost count.

After Taci's accident, Chris was the only person who could make me feel better. It was so hard watching Taci go from the chubby exuberant baby to practically a newborn all over again. That wasn't even the hardest part. Watching how frustrated Taci got when she couldn't do the things she used to be able to do was. She would cry a lot. I hated seeing her pain and it practically killed me. I didn't know how to cope with my own pain, how could I help this precious child cope? But Chris showed me how. She would hold her and whisper in her ear and play with her. When I was too emotionally exhausted to deal with Taci, Chris would step in. She always knew when I needed help. She never once had to ask me.

And then when Chris was dying, she was so unselfish. That's what I wont ever forget. Her capacity to love and take care of the people around her even when she was the one who needed to be taken care of. She was so sick that last time I saw her. It literally hurts my chest to even think about her in that condition. But the whole time I talked to her, she only asked about Taci and me. She never complained about how horrible she felt. She was so amazing. It hurts to realize I don't have her to turn to anymore.

Chris was an inspiration to me. When I think of the person I want to be, it's her. And I know that whatever I accomplish in my life, she had a huge part in it. She got me started on the healing process. It wasn't easy dealing with being abused when I was a teenager so I just didn't. I cut myself to feel better. I took Lortab to forget my pain. I isolated myself when I should have been talking it through. And eventually I landed myself in the psych ward. I'm grateful for that experience. I know it sounds strange, but that's what finally forced me into working through my issues. I'm so glad Chris got to see me after I healed. I still have times when I don't feel all there and like I could breakdown at any moment but I just think of Chris and how amazing she was. She fought cancer twice. She won the first time. If she could make it through cancer, I can make it through anything. So thank you Chris! You saved my life.

Book reviews...

I've created another blog strictly for book reviews. I figure since I read so much, I might as well do something with it. If I totally suck at it, then oh well. At least I get something out of it. If I totally hate a book, or a character in the book, I can rant and rave about it there. I'd do it here, but since I read books that some of my friends wouldn't read I decided to do a separate one. If you don't mind sex and cuss words in your books, then check out my reviews. If you do, you probably don't wanna look at my reviews. I read a lot of Romance and Romantic suspense. There is sex, violence, and mucho swearing in them. I know, I'm a bad cookie. But it's my form of escapism and I love it.

Anyway. On a different note. Lately I've been noticing a lot of pimped out mini vans. I know you want a nice vehicle to take your family around town but do you need to put on special rims and lights? I just don't understand it. If you need your vehicle pimped out, you probably shouldn't have kids. Just sayin. Pay more attention to your kids. In the time it took you to pick out the rims and lights and have them put on, you could've taken your kids to the park. And the money your spent on it? You probably could've taken the family on a vacation. It's beyond my comprehension. It seems like something my biological parents would do. They loved to spend money on unnecessary things. Like drugs, alcohol, clothes, and make-up. But us kids never had anything nice unless our grandparents bought it for us. And even then, it would get messed up because of a lack of parental supervision. Shouldn't kids and their needs be the number one priority in all families? I know, stupid things make me angry, but that's how I am. I guess that's all the opinionated BS I have for you today. I'd love to hear your opinions so leave me a comment.

The Library...

I'm doing a blog today to specifically tell the whole world that I love the Salt Lake City public library. They always have new releases as soon as they can get their hands on them. I hardly ever have to buy books anymore cuz they always have the ones I want to read. Or if it's checked out by someone else, I can request it. It takes hardly any time for my request to be filled. They transfer books from other locations too. So it's also convenient. The bums that are always hanging out front kind of creep me out, but it's a building filled with books! How can I ask for more?! Seriously, that's my own personal version of heaven!

New purse!

So I got a new purse friday night. It's so pretty! Here's a picture:

It's great cuz it's big enough to hold everything I could possibly need. My book and lotion and wallet and everything else. I'm just excited I can take my book everywhere with me. Here's a picture to show how big it is:

Now everyone who reads this knows how much of a freak I am. If you didn't already know or suspect. So here it is. I AM OBSESSED WITH HELLO KITTY!!! Scary isn't it?!

Bullet proof...

I think it's time for me to get outta customer service. Probably not but it sure feels like it today. I started out my day with probably the most annoying customer we have at this store. And I was here at 9 so I was already grumpy. I'm so not a morning person and probably never will be. Anyway. It just got worse from there. There was a guy who took 5 hours to fill out a form. I'm exaggerating but it felt like it. And he tried to hand me his change through the little space in our bulletproof window. There's a reason we have the bulletproof glass and wall. And only a little space for you to drop your stuff in the tray. Because we don't want to touch your grubby hands. So let's learn to just drop it in the tray and let me pick it up.

On a much happier note, Grandma sold her house! I'm so happy I could pee my pants. But I wont. I do have some self control! She's coming to visit next week so she can look for a house in the Salt Lake area. And she's staying with me. Which means I should probably clean and unpack. Yes, I've lived here since last July. I'm just not one for settling in, I guess. I'll probably just shove boxes of stuff in my closets or against the wall. But it will be clean. I swear it. ;) I'll even vacuum and scrub the toilet. That's how much I love my Grandma!

Books, books, and more books!

My life is all books and tv. It's a sad existence but I like it this way. For now... Anyway. All my favorite authors have new books coming out. I'm way excited. And then a lot of my favorite authors do contests and give away copies of their books and other things that have to do with books. It's pretty awesome. I have two author's contest links at the bottom of my blog. But that's not really the point of this post.

The point was to talk about Law & Order: SVU. The episode last night got me thinking. About the war and about child soldiers. I guess I never realized that they're pretty much forced into fighting. The character on the show witnessed his mother being shot to death and that's how the militia group initiated him into the group. And then they threatened to kill all of his family so he would murder for them. Eventually they did end up murdering his entire family so he had no one to turn to. It must be so hard to not have any family. My family is small, but I know if I called them and needed help, they'd be there in a jiffy. That's what family is for.

And then I think about the American soldiers who are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan and how hard it must be for them to shoot kids. But it's shoot first or be shot. But the evil we're up against is huge. And you'd have to be practically satan to force children to fight in a war. It's abuse. And I hate all forms of abuse, but especially the abuse of children. It makes me sick. It makes me want to pick up a gun and go after all those predators out there. But then I'd be stooping down to their level.

I think that's why I read so much. The reality of our world is horrible. The economy is crap and there is so much hate and violence out there that if I sat and watched the news every day I'd go insane. So I read books that always have happy endings cuz I know there are kids and women out there who don't get one and it depresses me. If I didn't have some form of escapism I'd curl up in a ball under the covers on my bed and stay there forever. So my existence isn't that sad afterall...

My old man...

It's been exactly one year since Grandpa passed away. I'm sad, but I'm ok. I've pretty much been in denial the whole year. But it'll hit me at random moments that he's gone.

At the age of 6, social services finally decided that my parents weren't fit to be taking care of 5 kids. At first, my grandparents took the four youngest kids. My oldest brother went straight into foster care. He went to live with a family that went to the same church as us. So my grandparents were taking care of 4 kids ranging in ages 5-10. If they had been able, they would've adopted all four of us. But they were retiring so they could only handle 2. They adopted my sister and I. We were living in Cincinnati when we were taken away and my grandparents brought my sister and I to Utah.

My Grandpa did everything he could to make us happy. He got a part time job so we could participate in after school activities like dance, basketball, softball. Whatever we wanted. We always had nice clothes. Grandpa made sure of it. I was pretty much spoiled when it came to material things. He wasn't an emotional person. He never told me he loved me. There are only a few times I can remember him saying he was proud of me. But he showed his love by providing me with everything I could ever want.

It wasn't until Niki was born that he showed much emotion. After that, he was a big mush ball for her. She was "his girl". He would sit there for hours holding her, playing peek-a-boo. He would always pull pictures of her out and say "this is my great granddaughter, isn't she pretty?" He was so proud of that. He didn't relate to Taci as much because she was so independent she didn't like to stay in one place for long. After Taci's accident, Grandpa was there. He would sit in the rocking chair holding her just like the rest of us.

He wasn't always nice, but he was MY meanie. And I'm going to miss him. So Rest In Peace old geezer! :D

My eyes... I can't see my eyes!

So I got some new glasses. It's weird wearing them again. But I can see and I might actually like them better than contacts. I know my eyes aren't as itchy as they were. I haven't figured out if they've made my headaches better but in time I'm sure I'll see. So here they are all by their lonesome. Just so you can see the design.

And here they are on my face. It's a crappy picture but I put it on here just so you would get an idea of what they looked like on my cute lil chubby face. So enjoy peeps!

scuzzy slutter gut...

So I get to see one of my best friends this weekend. I'm so effing excited. That's where my subject comes from. We used to call each other that all the time. We were insane back in the day. We probably still are, we've just calmed it down so it isn't so much in the open. But when we get together, it's always insane. I've really got to get a picture of our "found art" project we did in high school on here. It freaked out even our craziest friends.

The store I'm at has one door that works and one that doesn't. There's a paper on the one that doesn't work that says "please use other door" or something like that. I've watched like 5 people walk into it today. Can they really not read? Seriously! It's pretty funny. That's all my ill brain can come up with today.

oh look at that, my butt just hung up on you...

There are just some customers I would love to walk up to the bullet proof glass and just casually say, "Sorry, we're having technical difficulties. Please try again." Or "Error" Or "the person you are trying to reach is unavailable, please hang up and try again." or make the crackly noise like you're losing the signal. That would be so funny. Yes, I get kicks and giggles out of the most random things. That's how I roll.

Grey's Anatomy was on last night. It was combined with Private Practice. I absolutely love those two shows. They were both really good too. One guy had "worms" aka parasitic cysts in his brain. It was insane and I was disturbed on so many levels but I couldn't stop watching. It's like if you ever come across a corpse, you just stand there starring and even though you have the urge to vomit, you can't look away. It's why people slow down to look at car wrecks. You aren't intentionally looking to see if somebody died, but you don't want to miss it if they did. Human nature is a weird and disturbing thing sometimes.

One day, I will walk around for 24 consecutive hours with Pringles sticking out my mouth quacking like a duck. That would be fantabulistic! And it would really freak out all the customers. I love when they think I'm psychotic. It shows them that they shouldn't mess with me or I'm liable to go ape shit on their asses. Speaking of asses, last night I watched the funniest South Park. They were making fun of when everybody was obsessing about the Catholic priests molesting children and Cartman said he could stick food up his ass and crap it out his mouth. It worked and everyone started copying him. So all the people would be in the middle of saying something and they'd crap out their mouths and keep talking. Too funny!

Fun times...

I got to go on a nice little trip this weekend. I love St. George. If they had a better school and better job opportunities I would so be living there.

I left Friday when I got off work at 7. I didn't get to Cedar til like 10:30. I woke Niki up and we played Littlest Pet Shop or some weird looking animal toy game. Then we read together for a little while. I woke up the next morning to Taci saying "Auntie's sleeping" while pointing to me. She's so freakin cute when she says obvious things! I only care that she can talk. I don't care what she says. Jess took them to a friend's at 10 when she had to go to work. And I left for St. George. Kitty did my hair. She dyed it brown and cut it into a lob which I think stands for long bob. I just know it's cute and I like it. So here's some pictures.

This one shows off the pretty color:

This one shows it from the front. There's lots of layers so I can flip it up and make it all prettiful:

This one shows the back view of all the pretty layers:

So after I finished getting my hair done I went to the mall for my sister cuz she had a gift certificate for Bath & Body Works. I got her some smelly stuff and I even got one for myself. I'm really liking it. Then I called my old boss, Rick. We had dinner with his girlfriend, Laurie, who's an absolute sweetie, and his daughter and her husband. We had Ernesto's. I had a #5 which is enchiladas. I had the cheese ones. They were delish! And they weren't too spicy so I didn't get heartburn or sick to my stomach. Always an accomplishment, that one. So I spent the night at Laurie's house and went and ate breakfast with Rick. At about 1 I headed back to Cedar so I could spend more time with the girls. We played Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop and even a game of Phase 10. I won again. I would really hate for Niki to beat me. Taci even played a couple of rounds of the game. Ok, she played with the cards and I actually played for her. But it was fun all the same. When I went to leave Niki kept hugging me like she didn't want me to go. I'm surprised I didn't cry. I usually cry when I leave them. But for the first 100 miles of the drive back home I was trying my best not to puke all over my car. That distracted me from the pain of leaving the girls. Migraines suck. My advice would be to never try to drive 250 miles while fighting a raging migraine.

Anyway. While looking for a title for this blog I came across this quote from South Park and it had me giggling like a school girl so I thought I'd put it in here.

[addressing the damned]
Hell Director: Hello, newcomers and welcome. Can everybody hear me? Hello? [taps microphone]
Hell Director: Can everybody... ok. Um, I am the Hell Director. Uh, it looks like we have 8,615 of you newbies today. And for those of you who were a little confused, uh, you are dead; and this is Hell. So abandon all hope and yadda-yadda-yadda. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process which will last about...
Protestant: Hey, wait a minute. I shouldn't be here, I was a totally strict and devout Protestant. I thought we went to heaven.
Hell Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you are wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man from Crowd: Well who was right? Who gets in to Heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
The Damned: Awwww...

kill me romantically, fill my soul with vomit, then ask me for a piece of gum

It's almost Valentine's day. Ugh. I hate the months of November through February. It's one holiday after another. Valentine's just reminds me of all my failed relationships and how emotionally retarded I am. So this year, I'm taking action. I'm doing something that will cheer me up immensely. I've invited my good friend Casey to go to a monster truck rally with me. The monster trucks will be like a metaphor representing my love life. Everything crashing into each other. Plus I love crashes and stuff like that. My favorite Xbox game is Burnout Revenge cuz I get to wreck all the other cars. That's the point of the game. How could anything beat that? I just need to remember not to be in Burnout mode while driving my real life car. That would not be pretty.

The other day I wrote on my Twitter that people around me were seeming more insane and I felt saner. I was wondering if they were getting worse or if I'm getting better. I still haven't decided. It really depends on the day.

Friday night I met my sister halfway and picked up the girls for her soon-to-be ex, Tom. I kept them that night. Taci fell asleep right away in the car. Niki lasted a little longer but she fell asleep too. When we finally reached my apartment Taci just wanted to go to bed. But Niki stayed up with me. We played Phase 10. I almost got my ass kicked by a 6 year old! :D She's so smart. She didn't even have to ask what the phases meant. And she'd only played the game once before. We both got to the last phase but I went out before her and she didn't finish it so I won. I'm glad cuz it'd be pretty embarrassing telling people that my 6 year old niece beat me at a game I've been playing for years! She stayed up til one with me. The next morning I wake up and she's in the kitchen reading Because of Winn Dixie. On her own. Without anyone telling her to. My mini me? Hell yes! While we were waiting for Tom to come she told me what had happened in the book so far. She's brilliant. Tom was late picking them up and his girlfriend called me and told me they were lost. They were way off where they should have been. And she tried to blame it on my directions. Seriously!! I've led quite a few people to my apartment and not one of them has called lost. But I guess I did tell Tom. He's not the brightest crayon in the box if you know what I mean. I'd say he's probably the black one. Seriously. The directions I gave were like this, "Get off I-15 on this street, turn left on this street, turn right on this street. At the first light turn left. Go like 3 blocks. You'll see a 7-11, a house, and then my apartment complex." I left off the street names cuz I don't want any creepy stalkers visiting in the night. Although, that might be super. I'd feel very special. Like special Ed. Anyway, Tom was supposed to give me gas money cuz it was HIS weekend with the girls and he didn't even do that. I was steaming mad all day. I'd asked if I could have them on Sunday for like 4 hours and he refused saying he'd only get like 24 hours with them. I was like, you'd get them Friday night, all day saturday, saturday night and sunday morning. He said that the nights don't count but I only got to have them for car time and a night. What a jackass. I'm glad my sister is divorcing him. Well, that's all for now. If I keep venting about things I'll make my ulcer angry. And an angry ulcer is not a pretty sight! :D

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...

Giving me sharp objects is not a good idea. For one, I used to be a cutter. I liked bleeding all over myself. Yes, I'm strange. A childhood like mine'll do that to a person. But, I'm healed. My other personality, Barbara Ann the southern belle, told me so. She argues with my satanistic one named Dr. Strangelove but Barbara Ann always wins. She's southern. Southern women are always right. And don't even get me started on the brittish detective personality, Rosalind Beechcroft. She's a snob. But if I could pick one of my personalities to have all the time, it'd be her. So back to the sharp objects. I was shaving my legs cuz it's a big no-no to wear skirts with hairy legs if you're looking for a husband. After I'm married, I wont care, but until then, I must degrade myself with shaving. I was in a hurry. Another scary thing. NEVER hurry while going up and down your legs cutting off the little tiny hairs. It's dangerous. In a past life, danger thrilled me, but this one, I'm just tryin to stay alive until I die at the ripe old age of 50. I have those details planned so don't worry your pretty little heads about it. Anyhoo. So I obviously cut myself while being girly.

Not once...

But twice!

At least I have cute Hello Kitty bandaids to cover up my failures as a woman! And I give myself credit for trying. Two thumbs up to Victoria! YAY!!! Now everybody clap......

Victoria the clutz...

First of all, I'm sick again. Which really pisses me off. I'm finally over my freakin sinus infection only to start having stomach problems again. It was probably those anti-biotics. They really messed with my stomach when I was taking them. I've been having abdominal pain since last Sunday. I figured it would eventually go away or kill me. Not sure which one I was hopin for. Neither has happened yet. We'll see. So my boss, Patti, made me go to the doctor last night. She doesn't want me to die. You know, the whole training a new person thing! :D So she really just cares about me and doesn't want me to die cuz we're friends. But I can joke, right? So I get there, and they tell me they have to take some blood and I had to pee in a cup. Both tests suck. The lady came in to draw the blood. I was like "have fun with that. I have really small veins." And she told me they were really deep too. She poked me 3 times in the left arm. She got little spurts of blood so she did hit the vein. She thought maybe they close off because they think they're being attacked. Good body. Don't let anybody attack you! She finally went to the right arm. She poked me once using a butterfly needle. She only got like a third of the tube filled with my blood. She decided to try the tests with that amount of blood. So off I went to the bathroom to tinkle in the cup. I was wearing a gown at this point. Let me tell you, it's difficult to get that thing outta the way. It ended up over my shoulder. So the doctor comes in and tells me that everything looks good. What a waste of my money and time! This is why I don't go to the doctor. They charge me out my ass to tell me they don't know what's wrong. Take a freakin guess. My hell, those bazillion years of medical school sure taught you a lot. Maybe you should ask for you money back since you obviously didn't learn anything. He then tells me it's probably an ulcer. I could've told myself that for free!! At that point I've almost had it and said, "just give me something to take care of the symptoms."

So I go to Albertson's and get my perscription for the nausea medicine filled. I drive home. The drive was stress free. I get home and see that I have mail. So I go to walk down the steps and there's ice so I'm extra careful. Useless. I slip and fall anyway. I hit my back on the corner of the step and whack my elbow too. I land at the bottom of the steps in a puddle. So not only have I just hurt myself, my ass got soaked. I was kind of dazed for a minute. It's a shock to your body when it goes down. I went to bed pretty early last night cuz I was sore and I didn't feel good. It was so hard to wake up this morning. It felt like I had only been asleep 2 hours. So I'm real loopy today. It should make for an interesting experience! That's all for now. I'm gonna go eat something cuz I think I might be hungry. I guess we'll see!

Niki & Taci

I wrote a blog about texting my sister to send me a picture of the girls in their Halloween costumes and someone asked me to put it on here. Left is Taci as a cheerleader and right is Niki as Hannah Montana. They're both so cute! And they had lots of fun trick-or-treating.

I might be getting them next week sometime when they stay with their dad for the holidays. I can't wait! I talk to them on the phone all the time but it's just not the same as playing with them in person. Especially since Taci hardly likes to talk on the phone. Niki on the other hand talks a bunch. It's really funny. She's like a little old lady sometimes. :D

All weekend I was sick to my stomach. Today I'm not feeling much better. I think maybe it's a bleeding ulcer... Ok, so that's just my hypochondriac tendencies seeping through my normal facade. It's probably nothing. But what if it's something? This is why I'm not allowed to look at those medical diagnostic books. I always think I have what I read about. It's crazy! This is just a normal part of my insanity that I've learned to life with. One day, when hell freezes over or I die, I'll get over all my psychological problems!

Withdrawals

I'm already missing the new episodes of my shows. It seems like with them gone, I have nothing to write about. My life is THAT lame. So I'm gonna do a questionaire thingie.

1. Were you named after anyone? Not that I know of.
2. When was the last time you cried? I almost cried on Dec 12th when I talked to Grandma and she was really depressed cuz it was her and grandpa's anniversary.
3. Do you like your handwriting? Most of the time. A lot of people compliment me on it so I guess it's good.
4. Do you have kids? Umm... No. Unless you count my two nieces who I love like they're my kids.
5. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Heck yeah, I'm funny. And I wouldn't want me to make fun of me so yeah. DUH!
6. Do you use sarcasm? No... Duh. Most of the time.
7. Do you still have your tonsils? Nope. The dr stole them like the pigs stole my car.
8. Would you bungee jump? Probably not. I'm afraid of heights. It would not be a pretty sight.
9. What is your favorite cereal? Froot Loops or Cinnamon Toast Crunch
10. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. I never tie them in the first place. The laces are stuck inside the shoe cuz I'm a lazy person!
11. Do you think you are strong? Physically? no. Emotionally? You betcha!
12. What is your favorite ice cream? Ute Blitz
13. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their clothes or what they're driving. Yes, I'm that shallow. I admit it!
14. Red or Pink? Definitely red. It's the color of blood and I have this weird obsession with it.
15. What is your least favorite thing about you? My muffin top. It's gross!
16. Who do you miss the most? Alive or dead? Alive would be Grandma and the girls and dead would be Grandpa.
17. What color of pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Dark blue jeans and white Etnies with teal and black in the E.
18. What was the last thing you ate? A fun size Milky Way
19. What are you listening to right now? A country station on the radio cuz I got sick of hearing Britney Spears and David Archuletta and I can't get my rock stations to come in at work. Grr!
20. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Dark teal. It's just a really nice color.
21. Favorite smells? The smell of cheeseburgers cooking.
22. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My sister-in-law Becky.
23. Favorite sports to watch? probably basketball
24. Hair color? My roots are a brownish color but the rest is red.
25. Eye color? Blue/gray/green
26. Do you wear contacts? Yes. Without them I'd be blind as a bat.
27. Favorite food? At the moment, cheeseburgers.
28. Scary movies or happy endings? Depends on my mood.
29. Last movie you watched? It's called Black Book. It was oddly fascinating. I thought I'd hate it cuz of the subtitles but I couldn't look away.
30. What color of shirt are you wearing right now? Navy blue
31. Favorite season? spring cuz there's no snow and it's still not too hot and all the pretty flowers are bloomin and new animals are bein born.
32. Hugs or kisses? Depends on the other person! :D
33. Favorite dessert? Umm... So many options, so hard to choose. Anything with chocolate!
34. What book are you reading now? Cutting Loose by Susan Andersen. Very good so far!
35. What's on your mousepad? An M&M and a calender
36. What did you watch on tv last night? Reruns of House
37. Favorite sound? Music? I dunno...
38. What is the furthest you've been away from home? When I went to visit my little brother in Fort Meyers, Florida.
39. Do you have a special talent? I'm insane. Does that count?!
40. Where were you born? Cincinnati Ohio