stab him in the jugular and twist...

I said a couple days ago I'd blog about a text I sent out to some people that I didn't want to explain the whole story by texting it. It was just too freakin big and intense for that. So here it is:

Let's start off with the text I sent to everyone. "I helped catch an escaped convict like an hour ago"

Before I begin, let me apologize for the language but it was all intense and I couldn't control my cussing. And even talking about it now is intense so I still swear when telling the story.

So Tuesday we had a guy come in to cash a check. If you don't know this already, I work at a check cashing/loan store. It was a Maryland state tax refund check and we verified the check but the guy's id was expired so we were doing everything we could to verify him so we could cash it. We called the big boss but he was in a meeting and wouldn't answer so we told the guy we were waiting for approval and if we could cash it we would call him to come back in. We kept making calls and somehow, one of the calls alerted the cops. Twenty minutes after the guy left, a sheriff's department deputy walked in and started demanding information about the check casher. He wouldn't tell us anything about what was going on. He was a complete ass. We offered to call him back in and he refused and stomped out of the store. Like fifteen minutes after that, more cops came in. This time detectives. The one was asking us questions when we get a call from a detective in Maryland. He wanted to talk to the detective in our lobby. So we let him back and they talk about extradition and all that fun cop stuff. Then we offer to the detective to call this guy and tell him we can cash his check so he'll come back in. They say yes and we call him. We're all like, we need to know if you're coming in so we can get the money together and he said something like, yeah maybe later. So we're on edge wondering if he's actually gonna show. We're surrounded by cops watching the store. All this happened around 1:30 or 2:00 in the afternoon. At around 4 the guy still hadn't shown and one of the detectives was going off shift so they all left, but the one still on left his cell number and told us to call him if he showed. We start looking at the copy of the check and find that his name is misspelled so I decided to call the detective in Maryland to see if he could find out if it really was fake. And I wanted to know what the guy's charges were. I was seriously curious. But I also needed to know if he was violent in case I had other customers in the lobby and I had to protect them. Meanwhile, we have other customers. We were helping a lady who wanted a loan and I had to call another store with some questions. I'm talking to her and I tell her the story of the guy that came in being an escaped convict. The bell on the door suddenly chimes so I look up and HOLY SHIT he's standing right there. So I say to the lady on the phone, and these are my exact words, "Oh shit, he's here. I gotta go." Right when I saw the guy's face, adrenaline rushed through my system making me shake so bad I could barely hang up the phone. I was trying to hit the panic button and barely hit it. I called the detective and was like, "He's here. I hit the panic button. Please hurry." He said, "We'll be right there." and hung up. Then I call my boss and I'm talking to her while we're trying to get the lady wanting the loan out of the store so we can lock the perp into the store. Skyler, the guy I was working with at the time, said to the guy, "let me see your id and check so I can copy them again." The perp was watching him as he did it so Skyler knew he had to do something to distract him. He pulled the top on the copier up too early so it blacked out the page, then threw the paper onto the floor and said, "Piece of shit is broken." The guy looked at the paper when it was flying to the floor giving Skyler time to hit the switch that will lock the outside door from the inside. It was fine for a second then some guy tried to pull the door open and obviously couldn't get it. So the guy inside walks over to it and trys to push it open. "Hey, your door is locked." So we have to pull something outta nowhere and we're like, "Piece of shit door did it again. I have to call corporate get them to fix it." By then the detectives had told the guy outside to get the hell outta the way and knocked on the door. We let them in. They came in with their guns drawn and pointed at the guy yelling, "Get on your knees. Down on the ground." They cuffed him and took him outside. They emptied him pockets, patted him down, and shackled his feet. It was such an intense moment. Scary as hell. Not sure how I made it through without either peeing my pants or puking but I did. I think I held it together pretty well. They took the scum bag to jail and he's now on his way back to Maryland and double the time in prison for pulling a stupid stunt like escaping prison and hiding halfway across the country. That was my exciting day. Hope you enjoyed the story.

Book reviews...

I've created another blog strictly for book reviews. I figure since I read so much, I might as well do something with it. If I totally suck at it, then oh well. At least I get something out of it. If I totally hate a book, or a character in the book, I can rant and rave about it there. I'd do it here, but since I read books that some of my friends wouldn't read I decided to do a separate one. If you don't mind sex and cuss words in your books, then check out my reviews. If you do, you probably don't wanna look at my reviews. I read a lot of Romance and Romantic suspense. There is sex, violence, and mucho swearing in them. I know, I'm a bad cookie. But it's my form of escapism and I love it.

Anyway. On a different note. Lately I've been noticing a lot of pimped out mini vans. I know you want a nice vehicle to take your family around town but do you need to put on special rims and lights? I just don't understand it. If you need your vehicle pimped out, you probably shouldn't have kids. Just sayin. Pay more attention to your kids. In the time it took you to pick out the rims and lights and have them put on, you could've taken your kids to the park. And the money your spent on it? You probably could've taken the family on a vacation. It's beyond my comprehension. It seems like something my biological parents would do. They loved to spend money on unnecessary things. Like drugs, alcohol, clothes, and make-up. But us kids never had anything nice unless our grandparents bought it for us. And even then, it would get messed up because of a lack of parental supervision. Shouldn't kids and their needs be the number one priority in all families? I know, stupid things make me angry, but that's how I am. I guess that's all the opinionated BS I have for you today. I'd love to hear your opinions so leave me a comment.

scuzzy slutter gut...

So I get to see one of my best friends this weekend. I'm so effing excited. That's where my subject comes from. We used to call each other that all the time. We were insane back in the day. We probably still are, we've just calmed it down so it isn't so much in the open. But when we get together, it's always insane. I've really got to get a picture of our "found art" project we did in high school on here. It freaked out even our craziest friends.

The store I'm at has one door that works and one that doesn't. There's a paper on the one that doesn't work that says "please use other door" or something like that. I've watched like 5 people walk into it today. Can they really not read? Seriously! It's pretty funny. That's all my ill brain can come up with today.

oh look at that, my butt just hung up on you...

There are just some customers I would love to walk up to the bullet proof glass and just casually say, "Sorry, we're having technical difficulties. Please try again." Or "Error" Or "the person you are trying to reach is unavailable, please hang up and try again." or make the crackly noise like you're losing the signal. That would be so funny. Yes, I get kicks and giggles out of the most random things. That's how I roll.

Grey's Anatomy was on last night. It was combined with Private Practice. I absolutely love those two shows. They were both really good too. One guy had "worms" aka parasitic cysts in his brain. It was insane and I was disturbed on so many levels but I couldn't stop watching. It's like if you ever come across a corpse, you just stand there starring and even though you have the urge to vomit, you can't look away. It's why people slow down to look at car wrecks. You aren't intentionally looking to see if somebody died, but you don't want to miss it if they did. Human nature is a weird and disturbing thing sometimes.

One day, I will walk around for 24 consecutive hours with Pringles sticking out my mouth quacking like a duck. That would be fantabulistic! And it would really freak out all the customers. I love when they think I'm psychotic. It shows them that they shouldn't mess with me or I'm liable to go ape shit on their asses. Speaking of asses, last night I watched the funniest South Park. They were making fun of when everybody was obsessing about the Catholic priests molesting children and Cartman said he could stick food up his ass and crap it out his mouth. It worked and everyone started copying him. So all the people would be in the middle of saying something and they'd crap out their mouths and keep talking. Too funny!

Fun times...

I got to go on a nice little trip this weekend. I love St. George. If they had a better school and better job opportunities I would so be living there.

I left Friday when I got off work at 7. I didn't get to Cedar til like 10:30. I woke Niki up and we played Littlest Pet Shop or some weird looking animal toy game. Then we read together for a little while. I woke up the next morning to Taci saying "Auntie's sleeping" while pointing to me. She's so freakin cute when she says obvious things! I only care that she can talk. I don't care what she says. Jess took them to a friend's at 10 when she had to go to work. And I left for St. George. Kitty did my hair. She dyed it brown and cut it into a lob which I think stands for long bob. I just know it's cute and I like it. So here's some pictures.

This one shows off the pretty color:

This one shows it from the front. There's lots of layers so I can flip it up and make it all prettiful:

This one shows the back view of all the pretty layers:

So after I finished getting my hair done I went to the mall for my sister cuz she had a gift certificate for Bath & Body Works. I got her some smelly stuff and I even got one for myself. I'm really liking it. Then I called my old boss, Rick. We had dinner with his girlfriend, Laurie, who's an absolute sweetie, and his daughter and her husband. We had Ernesto's. I had a #5 which is enchiladas. I had the cheese ones. They were delish! And they weren't too spicy so I didn't get heartburn or sick to my stomach. Always an accomplishment, that one. So I spent the night at Laurie's house and went and ate breakfast with Rick. At about 1 I headed back to Cedar so I could spend more time with the girls. We played Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop and even a game of Phase 10. I won again. I would really hate for Niki to beat me. Taci even played a couple of rounds of the game. Ok, she played with the cards and I actually played for her. But it was fun all the same. When I went to leave Niki kept hugging me like she didn't want me to go. I'm surprised I didn't cry. I usually cry when I leave them. But for the first 100 miles of the drive back home I was trying my best not to puke all over my car. That distracted me from the pain of leaving the girls. Migraines suck. My advice would be to never try to drive 250 miles while fighting a raging migraine.

Anyway. While looking for a title for this blog I came across this quote from South Park and it had me giggling like a school girl so I thought I'd put it in here.

[addressing the damned]
Hell Director: Hello, newcomers and welcome. Can everybody hear me? Hello? [taps microphone]
Hell Director: Can everybody... ok. Um, I am the Hell Director. Uh, it looks like we have 8,615 of you newbies today. And for those of you who were a little confused, uh, you are dead; and this is Hell. So abandon all hope and yadda-yadda-yadda. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process which will last about...
Protestant: Hey, wait a minute. I shouldn't be here, I was a totally strict and devout Protestant. I thought we went to heaven.
Hell Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you are wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man from Crowd: Well who was right? Who gets in to Heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
The Damned: Awwww...

A healthy baby is worth $10-20,000 on the internet, even if it's Chinese

California woman gives birth to octuplets in five minutes. That was the first headline I read on MSN. That's 8 babies folks. Can you say insane in the membrane. Insane, got no brain! Seriously. I don't think God intended women to have that many babies at a time. If he wanted that, you could conceive them without being on fertility drugs. Could you imagine how big her stomach got? It must have been the size of a car. 8 kids at once. Boggles the mind. I mean, I've been sitting here for like 5 minutes trying to wrap my mind around the concept. Here's a link to the article if you want to read it. I say it's insane. That is all.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28864195/?gt1=43001