Thursday, May 28, 2009

Cancer sucks...

I found out today that a coworker passed away on Tuesday after battling cancer for a long time. She gave a good fight and she lost. I feel horrible. I only worked with her a couple times but she was so memorable. Her attitude was awesome. I know she will be missed by those around her.

This makes me remember Chris. Chris also died from cancer. She fought hard but cancer is a really hard thing to beat. And thinking about Chris dying makes me remember how we became friends. It's hard remembering how emotionally unstable I was at that time. We were away at a church activity. I had been self-medicating. And I broke. There was nothing I could do to make it better. The guy I was dating at the time couldn't handle it. He didn't want to hear me say that I wished I was dead. So we broke up in the middle of my emotional breakdown. All I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me that I would get through it. Chris was that person. She found me in the bathroom sobbing out my self-loathing. She held me while I cried it out. She helped me find the guts to admit I had a problem. So I told her I had been taking pills. And I gave her that bottle to flush down the toilet. After that I was numb. I still didn't deal with everything. But every time I needed someone to talk to, Chris was there. She saved me from myself on so many occasions I lost count.

After Taci's accident, Chris was the only person who could make me feel better. It was so hard watching Taci go from the chubby exuberant baby to practically a newborn all over again. That wasn't even the hardest part. Watching how frustrated Taci got when she couldn't do the things she used to be able to do was. She would cry a lot. I hated seeing her pain and it practically killed me. I didn't know how to cope with my own pain, how could I help this precious child cope? But Chris showed me how. She would hold her and whisper in her ear and play with her. When I was too emotionally exhausted to deal with Taci, Chris would step in. She always knew when I needed help. She never once had to ask me.

And then when Chris was dying, she was so unselfish. That's what I wont ever forget. Her capacity to love and take care of the people around her even when she was the one who needed to be taken care of. She was so sick that last time I saw her. It literally hurts my chest to even think about her in that condition. But the whole time I talked to her, she only asked about Taci and me. She never complained about how horrible she felt. She was so amazing. It hurts to realize I don't have her to turn to anymore.

Chris was an inspiration to me. When I think of the person I want to be, it's her. And I know that whatever I accomplish in my life, she had a huge part in it. She got me started on the healing process. It wasn't easy dealing with being abused when I was a teenager so I just didn't. I cut myself to feel better. I took Lortab to forget my pain. I isolated myself when I should have been talking it through. And eventually I landed myself in the psych ward. I'm grateful for that experience. I know it sounds strange, but that's what finally forced me into working through my issues. I'm so glad Chris got to see me after I healed. I still have times when I don't feel all there and like I could breakdown at any moment but I just think of Chris and how amazing she was. She fought cancer twice. She won the first time. If she could make it through cancer, I can make it through anything. So thank you Chris! You saved my life.

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