If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose...

If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
if you don't get drunk on my kiss
if you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
let's not drag this on
consider me gone

I'm in love with someone who will never love me back. He's like a best friend and that makes it worse. If you've know me very long, then you know who I'm talking about. I love being around him. We have so much to talk about. But he says stuff that hurts me. And it makes me want to punch him in the face which is probably not the best thing for me to do. I want to tell him how I feel but I'm afraid I'll lose my friend. I think he already knows. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't care. He talks about the girls he's dated. About one in particular that he really liked. And I want to shake him and say, "Don't you know how much that hurts me? How you're the only person I can ever see myself with and you're talking about dating and marrying other girls?" One second he's saying, "we have so much fun together" and the next he's talking about someone else. I'm in love with him and have been for probably 6 or 7 years. Does he even freakin care?! Every time I try to space myself from him, he calls wanting to hang out and I can't say no. There's so much he could ask me to do and I would. I realize it's not healthy but it doesn't change the fact that I can't deny him anything. I keep hoping he'll have an epiphany and realize that I am the love of his life. And no matter how hard I try to forget him, there will always be that hope. I'm not sure I'll ever meet anyone who can make me forget him. And that scares the shit outta me because I do want to get married and have kids. But he's the only one I can see that happening with. My sister told me I need to cut all contact. No texts or calls. That it's such an unhealthy relationship that I need to go back to counseling. I know that. But it doesn't help me stop it. I can't turn it off. I've tried dating other people. I'm so hopelessly hopeful I could bang my head on a wall for an hour and there would still be the tiniest bit of hope in me. He could be the biggest jerk in the whole world and I would still hope deep down that he would come around one day.

kill me romantically, fill my soul with vomit, then ask me for a piece of gum

It's almost Valentine's day. Ugh. I hate the months of November through February. It's one holiday after another. Valentine's just reminds me of all my failed relationships and how emotionally retarded I am. So this year, I'm taking action. I'm doing something that will cheer me up immensely. I've invited my good friend Casey to go to a monster truck rally with me. The monster trucks will be like a metaphor representing my love life. Everything crashing into each other. Plus I love crashes and stuff like that. My favorite Xbox game is Burnout Revenge cuz I get to wreck all the other cars. That's the point of the game. How could anything beat that? I just need to remember not to be in Burnout mode while driving my real life car. That would not be pretty.

The other day I wrote on my Twitter that people around me were seeming more insane and I felt saner. I was wondering if they were getting worse or if I'm getting better. I still haven't decided. It really depends on the day.

Friday night I met my sister halfway and picked up the girls for her soon-to-be ex, Tom. I kept them that night. Taci fell asleep right away in the car. Niki lasted a little longer but she fell asleep too. When we finally reached my apartment Taci just wanted to go to bed. But Niki stayed up with me. We played Phase 10. I almost got my ass kicked by a 6 year old! :D She's so smart. She didn't even have to ask what the phases meant. And she'd only played the game once before. We both got to the last phase but I went out before her and she didn't finish it so I won. I'm glad cuz it'd be pretty embarrassing telling people that my 6 year old niece beat me at a game I've been playing for years! She stayed up til one with me. The next morning I wake up and she's in the kitchen reading Because of Winn Dixie. On her own. Without anyone telling her to. My mini me? Hell yes! While we were waiting for Tom to come she told me what had happened in the book so far. She's brilliant. Tom was late picking them up and his girlfriend called me and told me they were lost. They were way off where they should have been. And she tried to blame it on my directions. Seriously!! I've led quite a few people to my apartment and not one of them has called lost. But I guess I did tell Tom. He's not the brightest crayon in the box if you know what I mean. I'd say he's probably the black one. Seriously. The directions I gave were like this, "Get off I-15 on this street, turn left on this street, turn right on this street. At the first light turn left. Go like 3 blocks. You'll see a 7-11, a house, and then my apartment complex." I left off the street names cuz I don't want any creepy stalkers visiting in the night. Although, that might be super. I'd feel very special. Like special Ed. Anyway, Tom was supposed to give me gas money cuz it was HIS weekend with the girls and he didn't even do that. I was steaming mad all day. I'd asked if I could have them on Sunday for like 4 hours and he refused saying he'd only get like 24 hours with them. I was like, you'd get them Friday night, all day saturday, saturday night and sunday morning. He said that the nights don't count but I only got to have them for car time and a night. What a jackass. I'm glad my sister is divorcing him. Well, that's all for now. If I keep venting about things I'll make my ulcer angry. And an angry ulcer is not a pretty sight! :D

irrational irritability...

It must be Monday because everything is making me mad. It started this morning when I called on my registration ticket, the one I got when the pigs stole my car. I had some questions because the website says that if you can prove the car is registered you only have to pay $25 instead of $50 so of course I'm gonna try to do that. But I needed to figure out how to go about it. I wanted to talk to a person and ask them questions. The only thing I could get was the freakin automated system. And that freakin recorded voice chick doesn't know jack shit! I tried looking it up on the yellow pages to see if there was a different number to get a human being, but it was automated to. There are times when I get so frustrated I want to scream a whole host of obscenities. This was one. But I refrained and instead have let it boil all day til now. Which means, everything else that went wrong, pissed me off even more. The new girl we're training at work got some stuff wrong. I wanted to strangle her. Most days I can handle it. Today, not so much. And it feels like I, myself, can't do anything right. So before my head explodes all over the office, I decided to vent it out on my blog. I love this thing. It's so much better than a journal because you get feed back and people tell you that they've been there too and I'm not a complete and utter idiot. It makes me feel so much better. Now I'm gonna go pop some antacids before my acid reflux decides that today will be the day it finally makes me spew all over the place.