Wish I could fall down the rabbit hole...

So in March He called me one night and asked what I was doing. Not because he really wanted to spend time with me but because he had plans with someone else and they weren't ready yet so he had time to kill. If nothing could tell me how much I meant to him, it was that. But I still gave him a chance. So when he texted me the next time with our inside joke of "Did you grab my ass?" I texted back and said "I would've before you made me feel like nothing more than a backup plan." That was at like 8pm on a Wednesday. I finally got a text back from him on Thursday at like 10am saying "hey, you're not my backup plan. you're my friend and I always have lots of fun with you." So I texted back "Really? Then why'd you stop calling me when you were dating the democrat?" Him: "Where is this coming from? At least I make an effort to remain friends. You hardly ever take the initiative for us to hang out" Me: "I want more so I keep my distance cuz I'm afraid you'll hurt me. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on." Him: "I'm sorry if I've upset you by my actions. It was never my intention. You're truly one of my best friends." Me: "You're one of mine too but I can't be friends while I rip off the band aid and move on. It hurts too much." Him: "I understand" I gave him the chance to say if he had any feelings for me more than friendship and he doesn't. Which hurts a lot. It's a relief having it out there but it still hurts every freakin day. And every time I see his picture on facebook I want to punch him in the face and nuts and laugh at him while he's bleeding profusely from his nose and laying in the fetal position in agony. I know it's harsh but he's hurt me so many times and I think he doesn't even feel anything. He went on his merry way without realizing he lost the best thing that he could have ever had. There's another part of me that hates myself for telling him and losing that friendship. And I want to take something to make me forget. And I want to cut myself to bleed out the pain. But I don't do it because mentally healthy people don't do that stuff and I've been striving for that for years. I'm afraid I'm failing miserably. And he's probably out there dating someone on his stupid choir council not even realizing the turmoil he left my emotions in. I hate him for making me love him. I hate him for making me laugh. But mostly I hate him for making me cry. I hate that I gave him enough power to hurt me. I knew better but I didn't listen to my instincts and now I live with the consequences. Some of my friends say he could still come around and the sad part is that I'd probably say yes if he decided he wanted a life with me. I'm pathetic that way.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose...

If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
if you don't get drunk on my kiss
if you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
let's not drag this on
consider me gone

I'm in love with someone who will never love me back. He's like a best friend and that makes it worse. If you've know me very long, then you know who I'm talking about. I love being around him. We have so much to talk about. But he says stuff that hurts me. And it makes me want to punch him in the face which is probably not the best thing for me to do. I want to tell him how I feel but I'm afraid I'll lose my friend. I think he already knows. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't care. He talks about the girls he's dated. About one in particular that he really liked. And I want to shake him and say, "Don't you know how much that hurts me? How you're the only person I can ever see myself with and you're talking about dating and marrying other girls?" One second he's saying, "we have so much fun together" and the next he's talking about someone else. I'm in love with him and have been for probably 6 or 7 years. Does he even freakin care?! Every time I try to space myself from him, he calls wanting to hang out and I can't say no. There's so much he could ask me to do and I would. I realize it's not healthy but it doesn't change the fact that I can't deny him anything. I keep hoping he'll have an epiphany and realize that I am the love of his life. And no matter how hard I try to forget him, there will always be that hope. I'm not sure I'll ever meet anyone who can make me forget him. And that scares the shit outta me because I do want to get married and have kids. But he's the only one I can see that happening with. My sister told me I need to cut all contact. No texts or calls. That it's such an unhealthy relationship that I need to go back to counseling. I know that. But it doesn't help me stop it. I can't turn it off. I've tried dating other people. I'm so hopelessly hopeful I could bang my head on a wall for an hour and there would still be the tiniest bit of hope in me. He could be the biggest jerk in the whole world and I would still hope deep down that he would come around one day.

My pity party...

I spent most of today throwing myself a pity party. I felt like my life was shit. Like all I did was work to pay my bills and I wasn't even fully accomplishing that. What started my pity party was a call. I was supposed to have an appointment with Valley Mental Health. I've been depressed lately. I know my warning signs. So I sought help. Fat lot of good that did me. They called and told me this morning that they can't see me because I have the possibility of getting insurance through work. Who cares that my depression stems mainly from my problems with money and that I can't afford the effing $263 a month to pay for the insurance. Or that I've applied for all manner of help from the government and they have failed me yet again. I seriously make like a grand too much a year. How pathetic is that? So I stayed in my pajamas all day cuz I took the freakin day off for this important appointment and they screwed me over so I read and played on the computer all day. I just now remembered to get on here and change my current books and all that stuff and then I remembered that Christy told me to go read her blog. So I did. And I feel so dumb for throwing my pity party. I realized that as shitty of a day I might have and as much as the government fails to help the middle class and probably always will, I will always have my friends and my memories. I have the 3 best friends in the world. First there's Kitty aka Danielle. She and I met when I was 17 and she was 15. I think my first words to her were a threat of death by running her over with my car. From that point on, we were inseparable. When my Grandma called and told me that Grandpa was in a coma and probably wouldn't wake up, she dropped everything and drove 45 miles to see me and distracted me by doing my hair. She let me cry on her shoulder through all the tough times I had in high school. She sat with me in the bathroom when my stomach was giving me problems and waited patiently for it to feel better while reading my journal entries in a weird voice to distract me. She stuck with me through all my cutting and all the anxiety attacks that made me have to get up in the middle of a movie because I felt like I was dying. She got me through the beginning and end of the one relationship I've ever had with a guy. I couldn't have asked for a better friend when I met her. Then I met Nibbly aka Jenette. We bonded over shared freaky art projects and a creepy super scary hyperactive seminary teacher. We got drunk off cough drops together and yelled across the room while Sister Judd tried to teach us about the Book of Mormon. Obviously she failed us both. But the times I shared with Jenette yelling over Sister Judd's high pitched voice will be with me forever and I know that I can call her anytime if I need to talk. And then there was Krispy aka Christy. We met at Lin's. We hated each other the first time we met because of Ladd Roundy. Wow, what a waste of a good looking male. But I can't fault him because he made it possible for Christy and I to become best friends. We were the same age and we bonded instantly after we stopped hating each other. She dragged me out of bed to go to class at Dixie State College and I talked her into doing a bunch of crazy stuff like piercing her ear. She was the only visitor I had when I had to check myself into the psych ward. She picked me up afterward. When I had my first pap smear when I was having so many problems with cysts and couldn't stop crying because the Dr was such a prick and I felt like I had been raped, she made sure I got home and stayed the rest of the night with me. She visited me in New Mexico and commiserated with me when the one dating prospect in the entire state turned out to be a selfish prick. So reading her blog and reminiscing on our past experiences I realized how blessed I truly am. I have three great best friends, two awesome nieces, a sister who's lifestyle I don't always agree with but I know I can call her anytime of the day if I need to talk about our childhood, a brother who is bossy and tries to act like a dad but would give me the shirt off his back if I needed it, a little brother who I am just starting to get to know, and a Grandma who sacrificed so much to raise me. With all these amazing people in my life, how in the world can I throw myself a pity party without looking like an idiot. So thank you Christy for reminding me that my life is not shit. It might have it's moments but there is enough good, probably more good than bad, to make life worth living.

Some people...

Some people really piss me off. I know a lot of people don't like Sarah Palin. I even respect your right to dislike and like whoever the hell you want. But DO NOT try to get to that person by saying shit about their baby who has Down syndrome. What did that baby ever do to anyone. It's freakin disabled. I have a really soft spot in my tough act for children. Especially children with disabilities. Haven't they been victimized enough just by being born with something that will make their lives so hard. They will get made fun of in school. They will struggle just to accomplish every day things that normal people can do in seconds. I respect that Sarah is finally putting her kids first. Say all the mean and vulgar things you like about Sarah. She chose her position. And yes, she also chose to put her children in the spot light by running as Vice President. But her kids are innocents. They don't deserve to be put down and harassed just because of who their mother is. I don't think I've ever seen such despicable treatment of children by the media in my life. So what if Bristol got knocked up. How many teens out there get pregnant all the time. At least she took responsibility for her action and didn't go out and have an abortion. I think that's an easy way out. If you're mature enough to have sex, then you're sure as hell mature enough to deal with the consequences. How hard is it to walk yourself to the local Wal Mart or drug store and buy condoms? If it's so embarrassing that you can't handle it, then you're not mature enough to be having sex in the first place. And the pill. It's not hard at all to get these days. Your parents don't even have to know about it. And parents, why the hell aren't you telling your kids about contraception? I know adults want to preach abstinence but it just doesn't cut it. Keep on top of them. Your kids are going to have sex whether you talk to them about it or not. If it was my kid, I would much rather get them a prescription for birth control or a box of condoms then to see them end up pregnant and having a baby before they are old enough to take care of that baby. And don't even get me started on these women who have little girls who end up hooking up with child predators. Then they wonder why their kid disappears. Your dumb boyfriend had sex with your little tiny girl and didn't want you to find out about it. Not only do they allow these men to get close to their children, they cover up for them. "It couldn't have been ****. He was set up." If he's convicted, that means there was enough evidence to put the bastard in jail. And our Justice system? Sucks monkey balls. How can a guy who rapes kids be able to get out in 6 years with good behavior. Of course he's gonna behave in prison. He's in his own little part of the prison and there aren't any kids for him to victimize. Let them out in general population and let the guy who's already serving a life sentence give the sicko the sentence he really deserved. As you can see, I get really passionate about kids. I hate any form of abuse. And I believe even saying bad things about a poor helpless little baby is abuse. Not only that, it's just wrong. Can these people honestly look at themselves in the mirror each day after they've said awful things about a baby with down syndrome? It all makes me physically ill.

stab him in the jugular and twist...

I said a couple days ago I'd blog about a text I sent out to some people that I didn't want to explain the whole story by texting it. It was just too freakin big and intense for that. So here it is:

Let's start off with the text I sent to everyone. "I helped catch an escaped convict like an hour ago"

Before I begin, let me apologize for the language but it was all intense and I couldn't control my cussing. And even talking about it now is intense so I still swear when telling the story.

So Tuesday we had a guy come in to cash a check. If you don't know this already, I work at a check cashing/loan store. It was a Maryland state tax refund check and we verified the check but the guy's id was expired so we were doing everything we could to verify him so we could cash it. We called the big boss but he was in a meeting and wouldn't answer so we told the guy we were waiting for approval and if we could cash it we would call him to come back in. We kept making calls and somehow, one of the calls alerted the cops. Twenty minutes after the guy left, a sheriff's department deputy walked in and started demanding information about the check casher. He wouldn't tell us anything about what was going on. He was a complete ass. We offered to call him back in and he refused and stomped out of the store. Like fifteen minutes after that, more cops came in. This time detectives. The one was asking us questions when we get a call from a detective in Maryland. He wanted to talk to the detective in our lobby. So we let him back and they talk about extradition and all that fun cop stuff. Then we offer to the detective to call this guy and tell him we can cash his check so he'll come back in. They say yes and we call him. We're all like, we need to know if you're coming in so we can get the money together and he said something like, yeah maybe later. So we're on edge wondering if he's actually gonna show. We're surrounded by cops watching the store. All this happened around 1:30 or 2:00 in the afternoon. At around 4 the guy still hadn't shown and one of the detectives was going off shift so they all left, but the one still on left his cell number and told us to call him if he showed. We start looking at the copy of the check and find that his name is misspelled so I decided to call the detective in Maryland to see if he could find out if it really was fake. And I wanted to know what the guy's charges were. I was seriously curious. But I also needed to know if he was violent in case I had other customers in the lobby and I had to protect them. Meanwhile, we have other customers. We were helping a lady who wanted a loan and I had to call another store with some questions. I'm talking to her and I tell her the story of the guy that came in being an escaped convict. The bell on the door suddenly chimes so I look up and HOLY SHIT he's standing right there. So I say to the lady on the phone, and these are my exact words, "Oh shit, he's here. I gotta go." Right when I saw the guy's face, adrenaline rushed through my system making me shake so bad I could barely hang up the phone. I was trying to hit the panic button and barely hit it. I called the detective and was like, "He's here. I hit the panic button. Please hurry." He said, "We'll be right there." and hung up. Then I call my boss and I'm talking to her while we're trying to get the lady wanting the loan out of the store so we can lock the perp into the store. Skyler, the guy I was working with at the time, said to the guy, "let me see your id and check so I can copy them again." The perp was watching him as he did it so Skyler knew he had to do something to distract him. He pulled the top on the copier up too early so it blacked out the page, then threw the paper onto the floor and said, "Piece of shit is broken." The guy looked at the paper when it was flying to the floor giving Skyler time to hit the switch that will lock the outside door from the inside. It was fine for a second then some guy tried to pull the door open and obviously couldn't get it. So the guy inside walks over to it and trys to push it open. "Hey, your door is locked." So we have to pull something outta nowhere and we're like, "Piece of shit door did it again. I have to call corporate get them to fix it." By then the detectives had told the guy outside to get the hell outta the way and knocked on the door. We let them in. They came in with their guns drawn and pointed at the guy yelling, "Get on your knees. Down on the ground." They cuffed him and took him outside. They emptied him pockets, patted him down, and shackled his feet. It was such an intense moment. Scary as hell. Not sure how I made it through without either peeing my pants or puking but I did. I think I held it together pretty well. They took the scum bag to jail and he's now on his way back to Maryland and double the time in prison for pulling a stupid stunt like escaping prison and hiding halfway across the country. That was my exciting day. Hope you enjoyed the story.

Cancer sucks...

I found out today that a coworker passed away on Tuesday after battling cancer for a long time. She gave a good fight and she lost. I feel horrible. I only worked with her a couple times but she was so memorable. Her attitude was awesome. I know she will be missed by those around her.

This makes me remember Chris. Chris also died from cancer. She fought hard but cancer is a really hard thing to beat. And thinking about Chris dying makes me remember how we became friends. It's hard remembering how emotionally unstable I was at that time. We were away at a church activity. I had been self-medicating. And I broke. There was nothing I could do to make it better. The guy I was dating at the time couldn't handle it. He didn't want to hear me say that I wished I was dead. So we broke up in the middle of my emotional breakdown. All I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me that I would get through it. Chris was that person. She found me in the bathroom sobbing out my self-loathing. She held me while I cried it out. She helped me find the guts to admit I had a problem. So I told her I had been taking pills. And I gave her that bottle to flush down the toilet. After that I was numb. I still didn't deal with everything. But every time I needed someone to talk to, Chris was there. She saved me from myself on so many occasions I lost count.

After Taci's accident, Chris was the only person who could make me feel better. It was so hard watching Taci go from the chubby exuberant baby to practically a newborn all over again. That wasn't even the hardest part. Watching how frustrated Taci got when she couldn't do the things she used to be able to do was. She would cry a lot. I hated seeing her pain and it practically killed me. I didn't know how to cope with my own pain, how could I help this precious child cope? But Chris showed me how. She would hold her and whisper in her ear and play with her. When I was too emotionally exhausted to deal with Taci, Chris would step in. She always knew when I needed help. She never once had to ask me.

And then when Chris was dying, she was so unselfish. That's what I wont ever forget. Her capacity to love and take care of the people around her even when she was the one who needed to be taken care of. She was so sick that last time I saw her. It literally hurts my chest to even think about her in that condition. But the whole time I talked to her, she only asked about Taci and me. She never complained about how horrible she felt. She was so amazing. It hurts to realize I don't have her to turn to anymore.

Chris was an inspiration to me. When I think of the person I want to be, it's her. And I know that whatever I accomplish in my life, she had a huge part in it. She got me started on the healing process. It wasn't easy dealing with being abused when I was a teenager so I just didn't. I cut myself to feel better. I took Lortab to forget my pain. I isolated myself when I should have been talking it through. And eventually I landed myself in the psych ward. I'm grateful for that experience. I know it sounds strange, but that's what finally forced me into working through my issues. I'm so glad Chris got to see me after I healed. I still have times when I don't feel all there and like I could breakdown at any moment but I just think of Chris and how amazing she was. She fought cancer twice. She won the first time. If she could make it through cancer, I can make it through anything. So thank you Chris! You saved my life.

Grandma dearest...

So Grey's Anatomy on thursday was soo good. It made me think and cry. And I don't cry for just anything. But there was a little girl who shot her dad like 17 times. A little extreme, right? Not so much. Turned out he was beating her mom and her and she was just trying to get him to stop. The mom was trying to get little Maddie to apologize to daddy almost the entire episode. Meredith, who is probably my favorite tv character ever, stuck up for the little girl and almost got suspended. But somebody had to stick up for the child, right? Even though the mom was a victim too, she should have put the little girl first. It shouldn't have gotten so bad that the little girl had to stick up for her mom. She was 6 effing years old. At the end of the episode, Meredith walked up to the mother and was like, "I know your situation is hard. But you need to change Maddie's story. It shouldn't have gotten so bad that Maddie had to protect you both. You need to leave him and not let this be in vain. Change her story for the better." Not those exact words, but you get the drift. The mom finally told the dad they were leaving for good and had Maddie say goodbye to daddy for the last time. But it got me to thinking. Not such a good thing, sometimes. But in this case it was. I thought about all the people in my life when I was the same age as Maddie. And about the people who put me first. And there was really only one person. Grandma. When everyone else I trusted was victimizing me, she took me away. She spoiled me rotten, held me when I cried, and showed me how to be a good person. And I finally realized the true definition of Mother. She's it. It isn't a bunch of words to me, it's a person. An incredible, unselfish, amazing woman. So I called her that night and told her thank you and that I loved her. I'm glad. I'd hate for something to happen to her and for her not to know that she is the most amazing person I know, and will ever know. And because Mother's Day is just around the corner, I wanted to share my amazing Mom with the rest of the world.