Thursday, June 10, 2010

Wish I could fall down the rabbit hole...

So in March He called me one night and asked what I was doing. Not because he really wanted to spend time with me but because he had plans with someone else and they weren't ready yet so he had time to kill. If nothing could tell me how much I meant to him, it was that. But I still gave him a chance. So when he texted me the next time with our inside joke of "Did you grab my ass?" I texted back and said "I would've before you made me feel like nothing more than a backup plan." That was at like 8pm on a Wednesday. I finally got a text back from him on Thursday at like 10am saying "hey, you're not my backup plan. you're my friend and I always have lots of fun with you." So I texted back "Really? Then why'd you stop calling me when you were dating the democrat?" Him: "Where is this coming from? At least I make an effort to remain friends. You hardly ever take the initiative for us to hang out" Me: "I want more so I keep my distance cuz I'm afraid you'll hurt me. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on." Him: "I'm sorry if I've upset you by my actions. It was never my intention. You're truly one of my best friends." Me: "You're one of mine too but I can't be friends while I rip off the band aid and move on. It hurts too much." Him: "I understand" I gave him the chance to say if he had any feelings for me more than friendship and he doesn't. Which hurts a lot. It's a relief having it out there but it still hurts every freakin day. And every time I see his picture on facebook I want to punch him in the face and nuts and laugh at him while he's bleeding profusely from his nose and laying in the fetal position in agony. I know it's harsh but he's hurt me so many times and I think he doesn't even feel anything. He went on his merry way without realizing he lost the best thing that he could have ever had. There's another part of me that hates myself for telling him and losing that friendship. And I want to take something to make me forget. And I want to cut myself to bleed out the pain. But I don't do it because mentally healthy people don't do that stuff and I've been striving for that for years. I'm afraid I'm failing miserably. And he's probably out there dating someone on his stupid choir council not even realizing the turmoil he left my emotions in. I hate him for making me love him. I hate him for making me laugh. But mostly I hate him for making me cry. I hate that I gave him enough power to hurt me. I knew better but I didn't listen to my instincts and now I live with the consequences. Some of my friends say he could still come around and the sad part is that I'd probably say yes if he decided he wanted a life with me. I'm pathetic that way.

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