scuzzy slutter gut...

So I get to see one of my best friends this weekend. I'm so effing excited. That's where my subject comes from. We used to call each other that all the time. We were insane back in the day. We probably still are, we've just calmed it down so it isn't so much in the open. But when we get together, it's always insane. I've really got to get a picture of our "found art" project we did in high school on here. It freaked out even our craziest friends.

The store I'm at has one door that works and one that doesn't. There's a paper on the one that doesn't work that says "please use other door" or something like that. I've watched like 5 people walk into it today. Can they really not read? Seriously! It's pretty funny. That's all my ill brain can come up with today.

oh look at that, my butt just hung up on you...

There are just some customers I would love to walk up to the bullet proof glass and just casually say, "Sorry, we're having technical difficulties. Please try again." Or "Error" Or "the person you are trying to reach is unavailable, please hang up and try again." or make the crackly noise like you're losing the signal. That would be so funny. Yes, I get kicks and giggles out of the most random things. That's how I roll.

Grey's Anatomy was on last night. It was combined with Private Practice. I absolutely love those two shows. They were both really good too. One guy had "worms" aka parasitic cysts in his brain. It was insane and I was disturbed on so many levels but I couldn't stop watching. It's like if you ever come across a corpse, you just stand there starring and even though you have the urge to vomit, you can't look away. It's why people slow down to look at car wrecks. You aren't intentionally looking to see if somebody died, but you don't want to miss it if they did. Human nature is a weird and disturbing thing sometimes.

One day, I will walk around for 24 consecutive hours with Pringles sticking out my mouth quacking like a duck. That would be fantabulistic! And it would really freak out all the customers. I love when they think I'm psychotic. It shows them that they shouldn't mess with me or I'm liable to go ape shit on their asses. Speaking of asses, last night I watched the funniest South Park. They were making fun of when everybody was obsessing about the Catholic priests molesting children and Cartman said he could stick food up his ass and crap it out his mouth. It worked and everyone started copying him. So all the people would be in the middle of saying something and they'd crap out their mouths and keep talking. Too funny!

Fun times...

I got to go on a nice little trip this weekend. I love St. George. If they had a better school and better job opportunities I would so be living there.

I left Friday when I got off work at 7. I didn't get to Cedar til like 10:30. I woke Niki up and we played Littlest Pet Shop or some weird looking animal toy game. Then we read together for a little while. I woke up the next morning to Taci saying "Auntie's sleeping" while pointing to me. She's so freakin cute when she says obvious things! I only care that she can talk. I don't care what she says. Jess took them to a friend's at 10 when she had to go to work. And I left for St. George. Kitty did my hair. She dyed it brown and cut it into a lob which I think stands for long bob. I just know it's cute and I like it. So here's some pictures.

This one shows off the pretty color:

This one shows it from the front. There's lots of layers so I can flip it up and make it all prettiful:

This one shows the back view of all the pretty layers:

So after I finished getting my hair done I went to the mall for my sister cuz she had a gift certificate for Bath & Body Works. I got her some smelly stuff and I even got one for myself. I'm really liking it. Then I called my old boss, Rick. We had dinner with his girlfriend, Laurie, who's an absolute sweetie, and his daughter and her husband. We had Ernesto's. I had a #5 which is enchiladas. I had the cheese ones. They were delish! And they weren't too spicy so I didn't get heartburn or sick to my stomach. Always an accomplishment, that one. So I spent the night at Laurie's house and went and ate breakfast with Rick. At about 1 I headed back to Cedar so I could spend more time with the girls. We played Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop and even a game of Phase 10. I won again. I would really hate for Niki to beat me. Taci even played a couple of rounds of the game. Ok, she played with the cards and I actually played for her. But it was fun all the same. When I went to leave Niki kept hugging me like she didn't want me to go. I'm surprised I didn't cry. I usually cry when I leave them. But for the first 100 miles of the drive back home I was trying my best not to puke all over my car. That distracted me from the pain of leaving the girls. Migraines suck. My advice would be to never try to drive 250 miles while fighting a raging migraine.

Anyway. While looking for a title for this blog I came across this quote from South Park and it had me giggling like a school girl so I thought I'd put it in here.

[addressing the damned]
Hell Director: Hello, newcomers and welcome. Can everybody hear me? Hello? [taps microphone]
Hell Director: Can everybody... ok. Um, I am the Hell Director. Uh, it looks like we have 8,615 of you newbies today. And for those of you who were a little confused, uh, you are dead; and this is Hell. So abandon all hope and yadda-yadda-yadda. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process which will last about...
Protestant: Hey, wait a minute. I shouldn't be here, I was a totally strict and devout Protestant. I thought we went to heaven.
Hell Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you are wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man from Crowd: Well who was right? Who gets in to Heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
The Damned: Awwww...

A healthy baby is worth $10-20,000 on the internet, even if it's Chinese

California woman gives birth to octuplets in five minutes. That was the first headline I read on MSN. That's 8 babies folks. Can you say insane in the membrane. Insane, got no brain! Seriously. I don't think God intended women to have that many babies at a time. If he wanted that, you could conceive them without being on fertility drugs. Could you imagine how big her stomach got? It must have been the size of a car. 8 kids at once. Boggles the mind. I mean, I've been sitting here for like 5 minutes trying to wrap my mind around the concept. Here's a link to the article if you want to read it. I say it's insane. That is all.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28864195/?gt1=43001

kill me romantically, fill my soul with vomit, then ask me for a piece of gum

It's almost Valentine's day. Ugh. I hate the months of November through February. It's one holiday after another. Valentine's just reminds me of all my failed relationships and how emotionally retarded I am. So this year, I'm taking action. I'm doing something that will cheer me up immensely. I've invited my good friend Casey to go to a monster truck rally with me. The monster trucks will be like a metaphor representing my love life. Everything crashing into each other. Plus I love crashes and stuff like that. My favorite Xbox game is Burnout Revenge cuz I get to wreck all the other cars. That's the point of the game. How could anything beat that? I just need to remember not to be in Burnout mode while driving my real life car. That would not be pretty.

The other day I wrote on my Twitter that people around me were seeming more insane and I felt saner. I was wondering if they were getting worse or if I'm getting better. I still haven't decided. It really depends on the day.

Friday night I met my sister halfway and picked up the girls for her soon-to-be ex, Tom. I kept them that night. Taci fell asleep right away in the car. Niki lasted a little longer but she fell asleep too. When we finally reached my apartment Taci just wanted to go to bed. But Niki stayed up with me. We played Phase 10. I almost got my ass kicked by a 6 year old! :D She's so smart. She didn't even have to ask what the phases meant. And she'd only played the game once before. We both got to the last phase but I went out before her and she didn't finish it so I won. I'm glad cuz it'd be pretty embarrassing telling people that my 6 year old niece beat me at a game I've been playing for years! She stayed up til one with me. The next morning I wake up and she's in the kitchen reading Because of Winn Dixie. On her own. Without anyone telling her to. My mini me? Hell yes! While we were waiting for Tom to come she told me what had happened in the book so far. She's brilliant. Tom was late picking them up and his girlfriend called me and told me they were lost. They were way off where they should have been. And she tried to blame it on my directions. Seriously!! I've led quite a few people to my apartment and not one of them has called lost. But I guess I did tell Tom. He's not the brightest crayon in the box if you know what I mean. I'd say he's probably the black one. Seriously. The directions I gave were like this, "Get off I-15 on this street, turn left on this street, turn right on this street. At the first light turn left. Go like 3 blocks. You'll see a 7-11, a house, and then my apartment complex." I left off the street names cuz I don't want any creepy stalkers visiting in the night. Although, that might be super. I'd feel very special. Like special Ed. Anyway, Tom was supposed to give me gas money cuz it was HIS weekend with the girls and he didn't even do that. I was steaming mad all day. I'd asked if I could have them on Sunday for like 4 hours and he refused saying he'd only get like 24 hours with them. I was like, you'd get them Friday night, all day saturday, saturday night and sunday morning. He said that the nights don't count but I only got to have them for car time and a night. What a jackass. I'm glad my sister is divorcing him. Well, that's all for now. If I keep venting about things I'll make my ulcer angry. And an angry ulcer is not a pretty sight! :D

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...

Giving me sharp objects is not a good idea. For one, I used to be a cutter. I liked bleeding all over myself. Yes, I'm strange. A childhood like mine'll do that to a person. But, I'm healed. My other personality, Barbara Ann the southern belle, told me so. She argues with my satanistic one named Dr. Strangelove but Barbara Ann always wins. She's southern. Southern women are always right. And don't even get me started on the brittish detective personality, Rosalind Beechcroft. She's a snob. But if I could pick one of my personalities to have all the time, it'd be her. So back to the sharp objects. I was shaving my legs cuz it's a big no-no to wear skirts with hairy legs if you're looking for a husband. After I'm married, I wont care, but until then, I must degrade myself with shaving. I was in a hurry. Another scary thing. NEVER hurry while going up and down your legs cutting off the little tiny hairs. It's dangerous. In a past life, danger thrilled me, but this one, I'm just tryin to stay alive until I die at the ripe old age of 50. I have those details planned so don't worry your pretty little heads about it. Anyhoo. So I obviously cut myself while being girly.

Not once...

But twice!

At least I have cute Hello Kitty bandaids to cover up my failures as a woman! And I give myself credit for trying. Two thumbs up to Victoria! YAY!!! Now everybody clap......

the nieces

My sister called the other night to tell me that Niki finished a chapter book all on her own. I already knew this but it's still exciting news. I mean, that kid is freakin amazing! When she was staying with me, we sat on my bed with the tv on for Taci and read. She had her own book and I had mine. All of a sudden she started giggling. So I was like, "What's so funny?" And she explained the scene in the book. These books are level 3. So she's not just reading the words, she's understanding them. I guess when she told her mom that she finished the book she was on she said, "I finished it today and it's a 3rd grade level and I'm only in 1st!" Her teacher has to give her extra work cuz she finishes before all the other kids in her class. If my sister took the time to really work with her, she would be able to do so much. She already reads and writes above her grade level but my sister could teach her math and science and all that other stuff. Seriously, the kid is brilliant.

Now on to Taci. She's smart in her own way. Smart in the manipulative, get-her-own-way way. She's spoiled rotten and everyone lets her get away with it cuz she's cute and disabled. My sister called a while ago while they were eating McDonalds. Taci had fries and chocolate milk. She was dipping her fries in the milk and would take a bite. She'd make this really funny face like she couldn't figure out if she liked it or not. And then she'd do it again. My sister called to tell me this because whenever I get Wendy's I get fries and a chocolate frosty. I dip the fries into the frosty. So Taci was doing what Auntie always does. I think the kid likes me!

I miss them all the time. And certain things make me think about them and what they are doing at that exact moment. So much of their earlier years were spent with me and Grandma. We're bonded for life. But sometimes I wonder if they'll forget me or if they'll lose the excitement that's in their eyes when I visit. Will I become just another adult who pops in and out of their lives? They have so many already and I'm one of the only stable people in their lives. It kills me that I can't be with them like I used to. But I know that I have to set an example for them by accomplishing something in my life and I never would have done that in Cedar City. My sister likes to take people down to the places she's at. She is so smart but she wastes it. She went to school to be a medical assistant but she didn't do the one exam she needed to certify. So instead she works in a restaurant. There's no future in a job like that. I wish I could show her all the mistakes she's making. But with her, it's best to keep my mouth shut. Oh well, enough venting for today!