Cancer sucks...

I found out today that a coworker passed away on Tuesday after battling cancer for a long time. She gave a good fight and she lost. I feel horrible. I only worked with her a couple times but she was so memorable. Her attitude was awesome. I know she will be missed by those around her.

This makes me remember Chris. Chris also died from cancer. She fought hard but cancer is a really hard thing to beat. And thinking about Chris dying makes me remember how we became friends. It's hard remembering how emotionally unstable I was at that time. We were away at a church activity. I had been self-medicating. And I broke. There was nothing I could do to make it better. The guy I was dating at the time couldn't handle it. He didn't want to hear me say that I wished I was dead. So we broke up in the middle of my emotional breakdown. All I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me that I would get through it. Chris was that person. She found me in the bathroom sobbing out my self-loathing. She held me while I cried it out. She helped me find the guts to admit I had a problem. So I told her I had been taking pills. And I gave her that bottle to flush down the toilet. After that I was numb. I still didn't deal with everything. But every time I needed someone to talk to, Chris was there. She saved me from myself on so many occasions I lost count.

After Taci's accident, Chris was the only person who could make me feel better. It was so hard watching Taci go from the chubby exuberant baby to practically a newborn all over again. That wasn't even the hardest part. Watching how frustrated Taci got when she couldn't do the things she used to be able to do was. She would cry a lot. I hated seeing her pain and it practically killed me. I didn't know how to cope with my own pain, how could I help this precious child cope? But Chris showed me how. She would hold her and whisper in her ear and play with her. When I was too emotionally exhausted to deal with Taci, Chris would step in. She always knew when I needed help. She never once had to ask me.

And then when Chris was dying, she was so unselfish. That's what I wont ever forget. Her capacity to love and take care of the people around her even when she was the one who needed to be taken care of. She was so sick that last time I saw her. It literally hurts my chest to even think about her in that condition. But the whole time I talked to her, she only asked about Taci and me. She never complained about how horrible she felt. She was so amazing. It hurts to realize I don't have her to turn to anymore.

Chris was an inspiration to me. When I think of the person I want to be, it's her. And I know that whatever I accomplish in my life, she had a huge part in it. She got me started on the healing process. It wasn't easy dealing with being abused when I was a teenager so I just didn't. I cut myself to feel better. I took Lortab to forget my pain. I isolated myself when I should have been talking it through. And eventually I landed myself in the psych ward. I'm grateful for that experience. I know it sounds strange, but that's what finally forced me into working through my issues. I'm so glad Chris got to see me after I healed. I still have times when I don't feel all there and like I could breakdown at any moment but I just think of Chris and how amazing she was. She fought cancer twice. She won the first time. If she could make it through cancer, I can make it through anything. So thank you Chris! You saved my life.

Grandma dearest...

So Grey's Anatomy on thursday was soo good. It made me think and cry. And I don't cry for just anything. But there was a little girl who shot her dad like 17 times. A little extreme, right? Not so much. Turned out he was beating her mom and her and she was just trying to get him to stop. The mom was trying to get little Maddie to apologize to daddy almost the entire episode. Meredith, who is probably my favorite tv character ever, stuck up for the little girl and almost got suspended. But somebody had to stick up for the child, right? Even though the mom was a victim too, she should have put the little girl first. It shouldn't have gotten so bad that the little girl had to stick up for her mom. She was 6 effing years old. At the end of the episode, Meredith walked up to the mother and was like, "I know your situation is hard. But you need to change Maddie's story. It shouldn't have gotten so bad that Maddie had to protect you both. You need to leave him and not let this be in vain. Change her story for the better." Not those exact words, but you get the drift. The mom finally told the dad they were leaving for good and had Maddie say goodbye to daddy for the last time. But it got me to thinking. Not such a good thing, sometimes. But in this case it was. I thought about all the people in my life when I was the same age as Maddie. And about the people who put me first. And there was really only one person. Grandma. When everyone else I trusted was victimizing me, she took me away. She spoiled me rotten, held me when I cried, and showed me how to be a good person. And I finally realized the true definition of Mother. She's it. It isn't a bunch of words to me, it's a person. An incredible, unselfish, amazing woman. So I called her that night and told her thank you and that I loved her. I'm glad. I'd hate for something to happen to her and for her not to know that she is the most amazing person I know, and will ever know. And because Mother's Day is just around the corner, I wanted to share my amazing Mom with the rest of the world.

Book reviews...

I've created another blog strictly for book reviews. I figure since I read so much, I might as well do something with it. If I totally suck at it, then oh well. At least I get something out of it. If I totally hate a book, or a character in the book, I can rant and rave about it there. I'd do it here, but since I read books that some of my friends wouldn't read I decided to do a separate one. If you don't mind sex and cuss words in your books, then check out my reviews. If you do, you probably don't wanna look at my reviews. I read a lot of Romance and Romantic suspense. There is sex, violence, and mucho swearing in them. I know, I'm a bad cookie. But it's my form of escapism and I love it.

Anyway. On a different note. Lately I've been noticing a lot of pimped out mini vans. I know you want a nice vehicle to take your family around town but do you need to put on special rims and lights? I just don't understand it. If you need your vehicle pimped out, you probably shouldn't have kids. Just sayin. Pay more attention to your kids. In the time it took you to pick out the rims and lights and have them put on, you could've taken your kids to the park. And the money your spent on it? You probably could've taken the family on a vacation. It's beyond my comprehension. It seems like something my biological parents would do. They loved to spend money on unnecessary things. Like drugs, alcohol, clothes, and make-up. But us kids never had anything nice unless our grandparents bought it for us. And even then, it would get messed up because of a lack of parental supervision. Shouldn't kids and their needs be the number one priority in all families? I know, stupid things make me angry, but that's how I am. I guess that's all the opinionated BS I have for you today. I'd love to hear your opinions so leave me a comment.

The Library...

I'm doing a blog today to specifically tell the whole world that I love the Salt Lake City public library. They always have new releases as soon as they can get their hands on them. I hardly ever have to buy books anymore cuz they always have the ones I want to read. Or if it's checked out by someone else, I can request it. It takes hardly any time for my request to be filled. They transfer books from other locations too. So it's also convenient. The bums that are always hanging out front kind of creep me out, but it's a building filled with books! How can I ask for more?! Seriously, that's my own personal version of heaven!

New purse!

So I got a new purse friday night. It's so pretty! Here's a picture:

It's great cuz it's big enough to hold everything I could possibly need. My book and lotion and wallet and everything else. I'm just excited I can take my book everywhere with me. Here's a picture to show how big it is:

Now everyone who reads this knows how much of a freak I am. If you didn't already know or suspect. So here it is. I AM OBSESSED WITH HELLO KITTY!!! Scary isn't it?!

Bullet proof...

I think it's time for me to get outta customer service. Probably not but it sure feels like it today. I started out my day with probably the most annoying customer we have at this store. And I was here at 9 so I was already grumpy. I'm so not a morning person and probably never will be. Anyway. It just got worse from there. There was a guy who took 5 hours to fill out a form. I'm exaggerating but it felt like it. And he tried to hand me his change through the little space in our bulletproof window. There's a reason we have the bulletproof glass and wall. And only a little space for you to drop your stuff in the tray. Because we don't want to touch your grubby hands. So let's learn to just drop it in the tray and let me pick it up.

On a much happier note, Grandma sold her house! I'm so happy I could pee my pants. But I wont. I do have some self control! She's coming to visit next week so she can look for a house in the Salt Lake area. And she's staying with me. Which means I should probably clean and unpack. Yes, I've lived here since last July. I'm just not one for settling in, I guess. I'll probably just shove boxes of stuff in my closets or against the wall. But it will be clean. I swear it. ;) I'll even vacuum and scrub the toilet. That's how much I love my Grandma!

Books, books, and more books!

My life is all books and tv. It's a sad existence but I like it this way. For now... Anyway. All my favorite authors have new books coming out. I'm way excited. And then a lot of my favorite authors do contests and give away copies of their books and other things that have to do with books. It's pretty awesome. I have two author's contest links at the bottom of my blog. But that's not really the point of this post.

The point was to talk about Law & Order: SVU. The episode last night got me thinking. About the war and about child soldiers. I guess I never realized that they're pretty much forced into fighting. The character on the show witnessed his mother being shot to death and that's how the militia group initiated him into the group. And then they threatened to kill all of his family so he would murder for them. Eventually they did end up murdering his entire family so he had no one to turn to. It must be so hard to not have any family. My family is small, but I know if I called them and needed help, they'd be there in a jiffy. That's what family is for.

And then I think about the American soldiers who are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan and how hard it must be for them to shoot kids. But it's shoot first or be shot. But the evil we're up against is huge. And you'd have to be practically satan to force children to fight in a war. It's abuse. And I hate all forms of abuse, but especially the abuse of children. It makes me sick. It makes me want to pick up a gun and go after all those predators out there. But then I'd be stooping down to their level.

I think that's why I read so much. The reality of our world is horrible. The economy is crap and there is so much hate and violence out there that if I sat and watched the news every day I'd go insane. So I read books that always have happy endings cuz I know there are kids and women out there who don't get one and it depresses me. If I didn't have some form of escapism I'd curl up in a ball under the covers on my bed and stay there forever. So my existence isn't that sad afterall...